June 12, 2018

A Smile Through a Veil

I have been traveling to Florida recently for work - three times in the last 6 months so I've been doing a lot of flying.  I normally fly to Atlanta then to Pensacola and back - 4 flights per trip.  I like flying (aside from delays, ug) and it's prime people-watching opportunities all the time.  I've observed idiots fighting with their man on speaker phone, military personnel whom I've thanked for their service, kids...so many kids, elderly, couples, singles, workers, vacationers - the whole 9 yards.   

A few have stood out in my memory - like the Buddhist monk, an actual bhikkhu in full robes and matching bag, sitting in the lotus position in the airport and playing with his iPhone.  I found this amusing as I thought they weren't supposed to do the "technology thing" like that.  I took a picture of him (on the sly) as I was sitting across from him.  I went to show the picture to my man when I got home, and lo and behold the picture was GONE from my phone.  It was almost like that magic mother-fucker poofed the picture.  lol!

The most significant experience of this last trip home was the lovely Muslim lady.  She was in full burka, with a man I assume was her husband and her very young son - I would guess he was about a year old.  Sitting behind them, I observed her and her gentle, patient nature as she cared for her tired, squirming child.  I was watching her, but not with a judging eye but rather with a learning eye.  I imagined the amount of scorn she experiences in places like this airport, the judging and suspicious eyes she encounters, the discrimination she experiences.  I felt sorry for her and proud of her at the same time - upholding her values and doing what she needs to do with grace and poise.  

She and her family got on the plane early so they could get stroller and child situated, then when I was getting on the plane I got stuck in the aisle right in front of her.  Her little boy looked up at me and I smiled and said "hello there" then my eyes met with hers.  She looked nervous, like she was expecting me to scowl at her.  I wanted to tell her that I see her, feel for her and acknowledge her, and that I am ok with her...that she has my admiration.  I let my smile do the talking, however, and simply offered her a warm and genuine smile.  To my delight, she returned the smile, the rise of her cheeks clearly visible through her veil and her eyes lit up.  It was a lovely moment.  I hope it made the rest of her journey better...it certainly did mine.

October 02, 2015

This place is a dusty but well loved old home.

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Celti. She was a creative sort, and loved life but she was a mess. She was stuck in a dead-end job and a marriage that had lost it's purpose years ago. You know how sometimes people stay in a marriage because they think it's what best for their child(ren)? That's where she was, but it became increasingly apparent that this was NOT actually what was best - for anyone involved. She got stuck in a never-ending cycle of bitterness, regrets, and resentment fueled by abandonment, alcoholism, drug use and general mismanagement of life that left her lost, aimless and miserable. She did what she had to - what she needed to do to protect and care for her child, the best she could at the time, but she was so very lost.

Yeah, ok...this person is me so enough with the third person crap.

What I'm trying to say, actually, is that I'm a very different person these days. Five years ago I was at my top weight and in horrible physical shape (85 pounds heavier than I am now and so unhealthy), and drinking heavily. I felt the need/urge to drink to "kill my give a shit" if you will because life was otherwise too painful. I tried to hide my self-medicating from those I love...like my parents and all of my friends -online and otherwise, but I really don't know how well I managed to do that. It had to be more obvious than I wanted to admit to myself - that or everyone simply thought me unstable and sloppily careless. For the careless things I said and did, for the dreadful behavior I submitted some of them to, I am truly sorry. The best I can say for myself is that I was lost.

So a series of things happened that forced me to turn myself around. My ex husband, after what seemed like years of threatening to leave me, finally understood that I actually wanted him to go, and that his efforts to get me to "treat him right" when he simply refused to treat me right were for naught. You see, the house was mine, bought long before we were married, and the only home my son has ever known and I had no intention of leaving. He did, and it was like someone opened up the windows and let the sunshine and a fresh breeze in. A giant weight lifted off my shoulders that day. Oh sure - I grieved. I grieved for the loss of my marriage, for the realization that I was truly and officially alone, for the lost years, but that didn't last long. I had been set free to find myself again and to teach my broken wings to fly again (at the risk of sounding cliche). This forced me to get up off of my ass and take control of things - to start cleaning up and to get my finances straight as I was now the sole bread-winner, and everything was up to me at that point.

Not long after he left, I realized that the drinking wasn't really necessary any more...my desire to drown my sorrows lessened as they became lighter and I eventually stopped altogether. This was no small feat, mind you, as I had been drinking between 1/2 of a fifth to a fifth of vodka per day. I never drank during work hours or anything like that - always after getting home from work, and usually wouldn't become actually intoxicated until after my son had gone to bed, but I had already known for a while that I was hurting myself. I gained weight, my kidney's were hurting, my feet and legs swelled something terrible. Before my husband left, I would fall into bed drunk every night after hopefully having successfully avoided an argument with him about why I spent so much time online talking to all of those people instead of him. I was constantly berated for all of my time spent online talking to friends, though they were the only ones that treated me with respect and engaged in intelligent conversation with me, where he would mostly hang out with his drunken friends, smoking and being obnoxious. When I did try to focus on him, he ignored me or left to go "out" leaving me at home with the kid.

I feel bad for all of the time I wasted. I feel bad for my son and the fact that I wasn't a very good mother to him during these times, but he's turned out wonderfully and we are closer than ever. Yes, he is with me, and is as he has always been my rock. I can only ask that he forgive me for the time I spent mentally "checked out" in an effort to protect myself from the pain. Some day we will talk about it all and I am sure he will understand. As far as I know, he didn't really even think anything was all that wrong. He was bewildered when his dad and I broke up, and didn't seem to think that things were that bad - probably because we padded most of it and kept him out of the arguments, most of the nastiness going on late at night while he slept. He remembers the mornings that I woke up with eyes swollen from crying, but I never really explained why for fear it would make him think less of his dad.

So my husband left, claiming he would file for divorce but he never did. He didn't give me one thin dime of support for nearly 2 years after he left, and had gotten himself into a considerable amount of financial trouble, so I finally filed and paid for the whole thing. The child support isn't very much, and I'm sure I could get more if I pushed for it, but I don't want to be a jerk. It does help and I'd made it through with much less. I've behaved throughout this whole thing in such a manner that he and I could stay friends and work together in a friendly manner so that it served my son's best interest. Keeping things amicable and positive between his father and I is one of the best gifts I could and can give to my son.

It wasn't easy. The house was in horrible shape when he left. My parents stepped up and helped me clean it up and fix it up. Slowly we worked on all the issues - a new back door that's secure (rather than hanging on one hinge with broken glass/wood nailed over it and a giant gap at the bottom), fixed the roof and gutters, a few new windows, paint, fixed the front porch that was collapsing, fixed the front walls that were collapsing. It was all somewhat symbolic in nature...we worked to fix my house while I fixed my heart and my mind at the same time. Our relationship, my parents' and I, is back to what it should be. They said it feels like they got their daughter back. I never even realized I had been hiding from them in my shame and misery. They have been a blessing beyond compare.

Shortly after my husband left, I lost my job. I was squeezed out by a manager that decided his cocktail waitress friend should have my job, so they shoved me into another vacancy to clean up the mess left by a lady who had retired while I trained my replacement and then my position was eliminated. Slick, but at this point I feel like I should thank them...thank them for getting me the hell out of there. I was going nowhere in that company, and changes they had made to the management had taken it from a wonderful place to work, to a hell hole where nothing you could do was good enough. Recent events, however, had crammed me down in the dirt far enough that I would have never picked myself up and made changes had they not shoved me out the door. My nephew had committed suicide, my car was totaled by an unlicensed/uninsured driver, my husband had left me with no support, just to name a few of the bricks on my back. I was lower than low, so their low blow struck me in just the right spot.

Just like the resilient tend to do, I picked myself up, brushed myself off, and got busy on the repairs. Not just the house, but my whole life. I got a new job - one that has blossomed into a fantastic career, and I've been promoted 4 times in the 4 years I've been here. I love my job now. I stopped drinking and self-medicating, got my house fixed up, traded in my old 97 Cavalier for a new car - yes, a BRAND NEW car. I never thought I would ever have one that was new, but I did. I drove my new 2014 Hyundai Elantra GT off the lot with 16 miles on it. What a feeling! I've lost 85 pounds, started doing art again, rekindled a social life and, last but certainly not least, met my wonderful boyfriend. He's the yin to my yang, my heart, my partner, my love Dean and I didn't think it would ever be possible to feel this complete and happy again. My life is beautiful. Sure, there are things that need improving still, but I'm moving forward, making progress and loving every moment of it.

October 12, 2010

is there anybody out there?

wow....just wow, the date of my last post. wow.

so yeah, I'm not dead.

So much has changed. I'm single now...well, separated, but may as well be. I don't know what to think of that some times. Other times i feel an overwhelming sense of loss and dread, and yet other times i feel hope for the future and the opportunities.

my boy is going to be 10 this month. I can't believe it. He's growing up so fast and turning out to be a wonderful, fun, caring young man.

my head hurts, so i'll stop for now. I've been feeling inspired to write lately, so i'm thinking this here blog might get a shot in the arm. We'll see....no promises. I plan on poking around in my list of links to see how y'all are doing. some i know from facebook, others will be a surprise.

Be well all...see you soon. I'll leave you with this link since i'm too tired to embed right now. kisses

this song has a profound effect on me

March 14, 2009

On a Boat, Bishes

Someone showed me this the other day and it was just too damned funny not to share. I haven't posted in ages (yes, I'm lame) but I am still crusing your blogs. No, really...I am! What? Oh stop it, or I'll beat you with my flippy floppys. lol

Oh...NSFW or small children due to language.

January 20, 2009

Obama's been president now for three hours...and IT's ON.


January 06, 2009

Snappy New Year

So...it’s 2009. Thank the powers that be! 2008 was pretty rotten. I've heard so many say that...

I drank entirely too much, I gained weight, I got a new boss who's an asshole, I blew off far too many things, I was ridiculously broke... so, I'm cranky but hopeful.

SO...be forewarned: ranting ahead.

Things that Annoyed the Shit out of me in 2008:
(I'll probably keep adding to this as I think of more annoying things, so stay tuned)

Shoes laying in the road – Where is the other one? What happened to the person? Why? Of course, this has ALWAYS disturbed me.

Toilet stalls that make you have to straddle the toilet to get the door open/closed. Try that in a pencil skirt, assholes.

Pantyhose... 'nuf said.

The asshole with no license or insurance who rear-ended me and totaled my car. ...and the apathetic cop who wrote him up for no license and ignored the bag of pot he dropped behind his car even when someone showed it to him.

Windshield wiper motors that burn out as soon as the snow starts melting.

Pants made for women by people who think they have no curves…if it fits the hips and butt, it's huge in the waist. Gah

The idiot new supervisor who insists I sit facing a wall so that he can peek over my shoulder to see what I'm doing. I HATE facing walls. I am going to put a big picture of a hand flipping the bird on my screen saver for him. Have I ever missed a deadline? Blown anything off? Ever produced anything that was less than top quality? NO. Piss off, asshole.

The fact that I've morphed my anxiety and discontent somehow into apathy and laziness. Not that the anxiety wasn't unpleasant enough...

Homework...slews of homework in second grade. It's just wrong.

Driving my car directly into a tornado. Well...actually that wasn't so annoying...it scared the living shit out of me.

Not getting paid for two holidays at Thanksgiving because I got snowed in out in Colorado and refused to spend 36 hours risking my life to drive home in a blizzard. (which is how long it would have taken...)

Being ridiculously broke.


You know…there always has to be a yin to the yang... there were SOME good things:

My wonderful parents who paid for my son's bday party, saving the day for my broke ass.

My wonderful parent who gave me a car after asshole referenced above totaled mine...yes, it's a putt putt but it gets me there.

My son...because he is an awesome kid, and my rock, and my light, and probably the main reason that I'm not incarcerated or dead at this point. Oy, the naiveté and destructiveness of youth.

Obama... 'nuf said

All my rockin' friends on Second Life. They are THE best, I tell you.

Better financial planning for this year, starting before the year even started.

Having enough common sense to know that it's time to stop drinking and get my shit together. Wish me luck, people...the 3-6 of you that still come here, that is. Celti still lurves you.

August 01, 2008

When On-Line Friends Disappear

I've been active on-line (blogging, chatrooms, Second Life, etc.) for years. I've developed a lot of wonderful friendships via the internet over the years...several people I care about deeply. We all, however, tend to keep an anonimity in tact with those relationships...know first name but not last, state but not city, etc. It's for safeties sake...don't want someone we don't really know going stalker or psycho on us.

Those that I am REALLY close to, I have phone numbers and such for...just in case one of us drops offline we can check up on each other, not to mention chat now and then. Those I don't have contact information for, however...it worries me some times. What if they were to disappear...never login again, not answer e-mails...the worry and wondering would be frustrating at best. I've had this happen before, but they eventually showed back up somehow, much to my relief.

I've a situation with one such friend. Well, I actually have this person's phone number, but the last I talked to him, he wasn't living at that house any more. This dear man, an intelligent, funny, soft-hearted person, is bi-polar and has suffered from horrible bouts of depression and other suffering. The last I talked to him, he had been in the hospital, and things had gone terribly wrong with his wife so he had moved out. He was miserable...missing his children, missing her, just completely miserable and so very down. There's only so much you can do from 2000 miles away...*sigh*

Well, I haven't heard from him now for months. Honestly, I'm worried sick. He's had a history of attempting suicide and I'm scared to death that he's done it. I want to call that number I have and check on him, but I know I would get his wife... I guess you can say I'm scared to call...scared of what I'll find out. I've e-mailed several times with no response...which is not like him. Sometimes they're slow in coming, but he always respond.

If I didn't have a phone number, I'd be completely clueless and helpless. But I have a number...I'm going to call soon...I just can't stand it any more.

Update 10/8/08: HE'S OK :) *breathes sigh of relief*