He's just not that into you any more.
So yeah, here I am, worlds most infrequent blogger. Update time, I suppose, for those who may have read my last couple of posts. I had my surgery back in October...it went very well, no complications, and I have so far lost 60 pounds. I feel so much better, so much healthier, and my knees don't hurt all the time like they used to. I walk and walk, though I should get to the gym on that elliptical more often. I eat right, take the right vitamins, don't drink any more and I'm healthier than I have been in years. The challenge is to keep up the good habits, make good choices, and keep the weight loss going. So far so good! Things aren't going so well, however, on the emotional front...
Last July, I met a wonderful guy. We met online, though, and he is in Pennsylvania - 1000 miles away. Just my luck, huh? We fell head over heels and have been as inseparable as two can be from this distance, talking to each other on the phone and skype most of our waking hours other than while working. It felt like I'd found my other half...my missing puzzle piece.
In December he came to visit. Yes, he drove 1000 miles to come see me. It was thrilling, flattering, and wonderful. I felt complete when he was here and he stayed 10 glorious days. Of course I cried when he left...but part of the reason I cried was because I feared I would never see him again. That fear has been growing since he left.
I went to bed last night feeling empty, lost, and worrying about our relationship and where it's going...or where it's not going, perhaps.
He tells me that he wants to come back and will when he can, and that loves me. He tells me he loves me multiple times per day - every time we hang up the phone or skype. He rarely ever tells me just to tell me...just because.
I know he thinks of me because he calls me - but is that because he's thinking of me and wants to hear my voice, or is it because he feels obligated to call?
I got nothing for Valentine's day from him. Nothing. I didn't expect flowers or a gift because I knew he was short on money, his work hours having been very few...but not even a card? Those are what - $4? Not even and E-Card and you can send those for free! I feel petty for being upset about this - valentine's day is stupid, but hey. Something? I got him a dozen Sherrie's Berries - combination gift for his birthday (Feb 10) and Valentine's day. Those things are expensive but I had just received my tax refund. He loved them but it left me feeling hollow on the other end.
He never brings up coming back...it's only when I ask that he says he will when he can. I asked him the night before last if he really wants to come back and he said yes, but I'm honestly not sure I believe him. I actually find myself very unsure what he wants at all. The plan (or maybe it was my hope) was that he would come back when he got his tax refund, which he's already received. He tells me that it's all spent already, that he had expenses he hadn't thought about.
He used to talk sweet to me, tell me how much he aches to have me in his arms, how badly he wants to be here with me, but not since he was here. He used to talk about moving here, how that's his goal, what he needs to do, maybe in the summer after school is out...and now he never brings that up either. It's like we're just in a holding pattern and it's starting to feel rather one-sided.
My birthday is coming up soon. We'll see if he even acknowledges that. He's been told a few times when it is. It will surely be mentioned again before then (hmmm, wonder what I should do for my birthday?). Is it bad to drop hints? Am I setting myself up for disappointment?
It all comes down to this - my fear: he's just not that into me any more.
I want love. I want to be IN love. I want someone who is in love with me, loves me passionately, wants me, and would do anything they can to be with me. I want someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with me. Is that so much to ask?
I had to come here, early on this Saturday morning when I couldn't sleep any longer, and write this all down, sort out my thoughts. It's not helping. I need to talk to him about all of this but I don't know how and fear he will think I'm crazy in the head. Maybe I am. It wouldn't be the first time my insecurities have sabotaged a relationship. I've spent most of my life feeling unworthy of the kind of love I so desperately want. I've tasted it a couple of times, but it slipped away far too quickly.