m Celtic Cross Celtic Cross - Average Everyday Sane Psycho Supergoddess

March 22, 2014

He's just not that into you any more.

So yeah, here I am, worlds most infrequent blogger. Update time, I suppose, for those who may have read my last couple of posts. I had my surgery back in October...it went very well, no complications, and I have so far lost 60 pounds. I feel so much better, so much healthier, and my knees don't hurt all the time like they used to. I walk and walk, though I should get to the gym on that elliptical more often. I eat right, take the right vitamins, don't drink any more and I'm healthier than I have been in years. The challenge is to keep up the good habits, make good choices, and keep the weight loss going. So far so good! Things aren't going so well, however, on the emotional front...

Last July, I met a wonderful guy. We met online, though, and he is in Pennsylvania - 1000 miles away. Just my luck, huh? We fell head over heels and have been as inseparable as two can be from this distance, talking to each other on the phone and skype most of our waking hours other than while working. It felt like I'd found my other half...my missing puzzle piece.

In December he came to visit. Yes, he drove 1000 miles to come see me. It was thrilling, flattering, and wonderful. I felt complete when he was here and he stayed 10 glorious days. Of course I cried when he left...but part of the reason I cried was because I feared I would never see him again. That fear has been growing since he left.

I went to bed last night feeling empty, lost, and worrying about our relationship and where it's going...or where it's not going, perhaps.

He tells me that he wants to come back and will when he can, and that loves me. He tells me he loves me multiple times per day - every time we hang up the phone or skype. He rarely ever tells me just to tell me...just because.

I know he thinks of me because he calls me - but is that because he's thinking of me and wants to hear my voice, or is it because he feels obligated to call?

I got nothing for Valentine's day from him. Nothing. I didn't expect flowers or a gift because I knew he was short on money, his work hours having been very few...but not even a card? Those are what - $4? Not even and E-Card and you can send those for free! I feel petty for being upset about this - valentine's day is stupid, but hey. Something? I got him a dozen Sherrie's Berries - combination gift for his birthday (Feb 10) and Valentine's day. Those things are expensive but I had just received my tax refund. He loved them but it left me feeling hollow on the other end.

He never brings up coming back...it's only when I ask that he says he will when he can. I asked him the night before last if he really wants to come back and he said yes, but I'm honestly not sure I believe him. I actually find myself very unsure what he wants at all. The plan (or maybe it was my hope) was that he would come back when he got his tax refund, which he's already received. He tells me that it's all spent already, that he had expenses he hadn't thought about.

He used to talk sweet to me, tell me how much he aches to have me in his arms, how badly he wants to be here with me, but not since he was here. He used to talk about moving here, how that's his goal, what he needs to do, maybe in the summer after school is out...and now he never brings that up either. It's like we're just in a holding pattern and it's starting to feel rather one-sided.

My birthday is coming up soon. We'll see if he even acknowledges that. He's been told a few times when it is. It will surely be mentioned again before then (hmmm, wonder what I should do for my birthday?). Is it bad to drop hints? Am I setting myself up for disappointment?

It all comes down to this - my fear: he's just not that into me any more.

I want love. I want to be IN love. I want someone who is in love with me, loves me passionately, wants me, and would do anything they can to be with me. I want someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with me. Is that so much to ask?

I had to come here, early on this Saturday morning when I couldn't sleep any longer, and write this all down, sort out my thoughts. It's not helping. I need to talk to him about all of this but I don't know how and fear he will think I'm crazy in the head. Maybe I am. It wouldn't be the first time my insecurities have sabotaged a relationship. I've spent most of my life feeling unworthy of the kind of love I so desperately want. I've tasted it a couple of times, but it slipped away far too quickly.

April 19, 2013

Support Groups Aren't so Bad

So I met with my surgeon on April 5. He is super nice and gives me a sense of confidence and hope, which is awesome. He's going to fix my hiatal hernia while he's at it, and I might even have him tie my tubes, too. Yes, I'm in for an overhaul. I met with the nutritionist and insurance specialist as well, getting everything all lined up. $40 down at surgeon's. I also attended a support group meeting the 6th, which focused on nutrition. It was quite interesting, seeing how I'm going to need to eat and how it all works. I can do this. I will do this.

The next step is 3 months of physician-supervised dieting, which I started today. ($25 down there....I'm keeping track on here of what it costs me.) We both know that I've been trying to lose weight for years, and have tried multiple ways but this is required for the insurance to approve the procedure. I am to try to get at least 30 min of aerobic exercise daily (oof!) and limit to 2000 calories per day. He wants me to try to get half of that at breakfast...a 1000 calorie breakfast? eek! Today's breakfast was half that. I really don't know how I'm going to pull that off but I guess I'll figure out out. I will have to be careful to space things out because if I get too hungry my blood sugar drops and I feel sick. It's all about balance and moderation, I guess.

My mom and dad are on board, bless them, to help when I have the surgery. I don't imagine I will need all that much help, but it will be nice to have them help with D, making sure he gets what he needs while I'm out of commission.

So I go back in a month. I have to go in next week for blood work after 12 hours fasting. We'll be testing my thyroid again as well...it was slow last time we tested it. Maybe we can do something about that as well. I need to get my appointment made for my psychological evaluation. I feel kind of like I'm getting quite the work over, but that's ok. I need it.

April 02, 2013

So the Journey Begins

I don't know if anyone is still stopping by here...frankly I would be surprised if they were. I feel the need, however, to document the journey I'm about to embark on and this is the first place I thought of. Welcome aboard if you're joining me.

I'll provide a little background in case anyone is, indeed, reading. I am divorced now...Chris left two years ago and our divorce was final in May. We are still friends and get along quite well, though that is complicated a little bit by his girlfriend who makes things, to put it lightly, trying. My son D lives with me, and spends time with dad sometimes on weekends. Our home is much more stable, peaceful and happier.

That being said, it's been a long road. The house was in horrible shape when he left, and with the help of my wonderful parents we have made tremendous improvements. It's so nice to have a safe, presentable home again.

That's not the only rebuilding I have had to do, though. The biggest challenge has been rebuilding myself, which is still a work in progress. Before he left, I was drinking...drinking far too much. I would put down a fifth of vodka every other day. Most of it would be late in the evening, after D was asleep. I was hurting myself...I gained a lot of weight and my feet and legs were swelling, kidney's hurting, but it numbed the pain and made things not matter so much. After he left, that was the first battle I fought...quitting. I drank for a little while after, but found that the appeal had dimmed, the need was less, and after about a month I quit completely. I sometimes wonder if my marriage could have been saved if I had quit before he left. More on that later, but to say that I felt better after that is a bit of an understatement.

Much to my surprise, though, the weight didn't come off after I quit drinking as I had expected/hoped. It made sense...the alcohol put it on...taking it away should let it drop off, right? Wrong. It stayed. I have watched my diet, joined a gym, worked out...nothing is taking it off. I have always struggled with my weight, have tried so many different diets and approaches, but it's just gotten worse and worse over the years. I have obstructive sleep apnea, a hiatal hernia, pre-hypertension and my knees hurt almost all the time. It is difficult and painful to exercise, but I do it anyway. I haven't stopped trying.

All of this, mind you, is embarrassing to admit. I am ashamed of myself. I just want to be healthy - to be able to hop on my bike and take a ride with my kid, go to the pool without being horrified at the idea of being seen, buy clothes that fit and look nice...do away with the stares and disapproving looks from those who simply don't understand. I don't want to live the rest of my life this way and I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life because no one can see past this body that I'm trapped in.

So, feeling like I have no other options, I went last week to a seminar which is the starting point to seeking help in the form of weight loss surgery. I intend to have a gastric sleeve procedure done; essentially removing most of my stomach including the parts that produce the hormones that make you feel hungry. I know it may seem like the "easy way out," but it's not. It's going to take a lot of work...the surgery is just the beginning. I have already learned some and will be learning much more about nutrition, what the body really needs and how to consume it, and a completely different approach to eating. I hope to lose 150-175 pounds, and document my journey here. I have an appointment to meet with the surgeon this Friday and take another step, looking ahead to physiological and psychological evaluation, counseling, and the pre-approval process for insurance, not to mention preparing for the time off of work, and how D will be provided for while I am out of commission. My mom, bless her, has agreed to come stay with me after the surgery to help make sure D has meals/rides/etc and to help me if I need it while I recover.

I'm excited. Off I go...

October 12, 2010

is there anybody out there?

wow....just wow, the date of my last post. wow.

so yeah, I'm not dead.

So much has changed. I'm single now...well, separated, but may as well be. I don't know what to think of that some times. Other times i feel an overwhelming sense of loss and dread, and yet other times i feel hope for the future and the opportunities.

my boy is going to be 10 this month. I can't believe it. He's growing up so fast and turning out to be a wonderful, fun, caring young man.

my head hurts, so i'll stop for now. I've been feeling inspired to write lately, so i'm thinking this here blog might get a shot in the arm. We'll see....no promises. I plan on poking around in my list of links to see how y'all are doing. some i know from facebook, others will be a surprise.

Be well all...see you soon. I'll leave you with this link since i'm too tired to embed right now. kisses

this song has a profound effect on me

March 14, 2009

On a Boat, Bishes

Someone showed me this the other day and it was just too damned funny not to share. I haven't posted in ages (yes, I'm lame) but I am still crusing your blogs. No, really...I am! What? Oh stop it, or I'll beat you with my flippy floppys. lol

Oh...NSFW or small children due to language.

January 20, 2009

Obama's been president now for three hours...and IT's ON.


January 06, 2009

Snappy New Year

So...it’s 2009. Thank the powers that be! 2008 was pretty rotten. I've heard so many say that...

I drank entirely too much, I gained weight, I got a new boss who's an asshole, I blew off far too many things, I was ridiculously broke... so, I'm cranky but hopeful.

SO...be forewarned: ranting ahead.

Things that Annoyed the Shit out of me in 2008:
(I'll probably keep adding to this as I think of more annoying things, so stay tuned)

Shoes laying in the road – Where is the other one? What happened to the person? Why? Of course, this has ALWAYS disturbed me.

Toilet stalls that make you have to straddle the toilet to get the door open/closed. Try that in a pencil skirt, assholes.

Pantyhose... 'nuf said.

The asshole with no license or insurance who rear-ended me and totaled my car. ...and the apathetic cop who wrote him up for no license and ignored the bag of pot he dropped behind his car even when someone showed it to him.

Windshield wiper motors that burn out as soon as the snow starts melting.

Pants made for women by people who think they have no curves…if it fits the hips and butt, it's huge in the waist. Gah

The idiot new supervisor who insists I sit facing a wall so that he can peek over my shoulder to see what I'm doing. I HATE facing walls. I am going to put a big picture of a hand flipping the bird on my screen saver for him. Have I ever missed a deadline? Blown anything off? Ever produced anything that was less than top quality? NO. Piss off, asshole.

The fact that I've morphed my anxiety and discontent somehow into apathy and laziness. Not that the anxiety wasn't unpleasant enough...

Homework...slews of homework in second grade. It's just wrong.

Driving my car directly into a tornado. Well...actually that wasn't so annoying...it scared the living shit out of me.

Not getting paid for two holidays at Thanksgiving because I got snowed in out in Colorado and refused to spend 36 hours risking my life to drive home in a blizzard. (which is how long it would have taken...)

Being ridiculously broke.


You know…there always has to be a yin to the yang... there were SOME good things:

My wonderful parents who paid for my son's bday party, saving the day for my broke ass.

My wonderful parent who gave me a car after asshole referenced above totaled mine...yes, it's a putt putt but it gets me there.

My son...because he is an awesome kid, and my rock, and my light, and probably the main reason that I'm not incarcerated or dead at this point. Oy, the naiveté and destructiveness of youth.

Obama... 'nuf said

All my rockin' friends on Second Life. They are THE best, I tell you.

Better financial planning for this year, starting before the year even started.

Having enough common sense to know that it's time to stop drinking and get my shit together. Wish me luck, people...the 3-6 of you that still come here, that is. Celti still lurves you.

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