Support Groups Aren't so Bad

So I met with my surgeon on April 5. He is super nice and gives me a sense of confidence and hope, which is awesome. He's going to fix my hiatal hernia while he's at it, and I might even have him tie my tubes, too. Yes, I'm in for an overhaul. I met with the nutritionist and insurance specialist as well, getting everything all lined up. $40 down at surgeon's. I also attended a support group meeting the 6th, which focused on nutrition. It was quite interesting, seeing how I'm going to need to eat and how it all works. I can do this. I will do this.

The next step is 3 months of physician-supervised dieting, which I started today. ($25 down there....I'm keeping track on here of what it costs me.) We both know that I've been trying to lose weight for years, and have tried multiple ways but this is required for the insurance to approve the procedure. I am to try to get at least 30 min of aerobic exercise daily (oof!) and limit to 2000 calories per day. He wants me to try to get half of that at breakfast...a 1000 calorie breakfast? eek! Today's breakfast was half that. I really don't know how I'm going to pull that off but I guess I'll figure out out. I will have to be careful to space things out because if I get too hungry my blood sugar drops and I feel sick. It's all about balance and moderation, I guess.

My mom and dad are on board, bless them, to help when I have the surgery. I don't imagine I will need all that much help, but it will be nice to have them help with D, making sure he gets what he needs while I'm out of commission.

So I go back in a month. I have to go in next week for blood work after 12 hours fasting. We'll be testing my thyroid again as well...it was slow last time we tested it. Maybe we can do something about that as well. I need to get my appointment made for my psychological evaluation. I feel kind of like I'm getting quite the work over, but that's ok. I need it.

So the Journey Begins

I don't know if anyone is still stopping by here...frankly I would be surprised if they were. I feel the need, however, to document the journey I'm about to embark on and this is the first place I thought of. Welcome aboard if you're joining me.

I'll provide a little background in case anyone is, indeed, reading. I am divorced now...Chris left two years ago and our divorce was final in May. We are still friends and get along quite well, though that is complicated a little bit by his girlfriend who makes things, to put it lightly, trying. My son D lives with me, and spends time with dad sometimes on weekends. Our home is much more stable, peaceful and happier.

That being said, it's been a long road. The house was in horrible shape when he left, and with the help of my wonderful parents we have made tremendous improvements. It's so nice to have a safe, presentable home again.

That's not the only rebuilding I have had to do, though. The biggest challenge has been rebuilding myself, which is still a work in progress. Before he left, I was drinking...drinking far too much. I would put down a fifth of vodka every other day. Most of it would be late in the evening, after D was asleep. I was hurting myself...I gained a lot of weight and my feet and legs were swelling, kidney's hurting, but it numbed the pain and made things not matter so much. After he left, that was the first battle I fought...quitting. I drank for a little while after, but found that the appeal had dimmed, the need was less, and after about a month I quit completely. I sometimes wonder if my marriage could have been saved if I had quit before he left. More on that later, but to say that I felt better after that is a bit of an understatement.

Much to my surprise, though, the weight didn't come off after I quit drinking as I had expected/hoped. It made sense...the alcohol put it on...taking it away should let it drop off, right? Wrong. It stayed. I have watched my diet, joined a gym, worked out...nothing is taking it off. I have always struggled with my weight, have tried so many different diets and approaches, but it's just gotten worse and worse over the years. I have obstructive sleep apnea, a hiatal hernia, pre-hypertension and my knees hurt almost all the time. It is difficult and painful to exercise, but I do it anyway. I haven't stopped trying.

All of this, mind you, is embarrassing to admit. I am ashamed of myself. I just want to be healthy - to be able to hop on my bike and take a ride with my kid, go to the pool without being horrified at the idea of being seen, buy clothes that fit and look nice...do away with the stares and disapproving looks from those who simply don't understand. I don't want to live the rest of my life this way and I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life because no one can see past this body that I'm trapped in.

So, feeling like I have no other options, I went last week to a seminar which is the starting point to seeking help in the form of weight loss surgery. I intend to have a gastric sleeve procedure done; essentially removing most of my stomach including the parts that produce the hormones that make you feel hungry. I know it may seem like the "easy way out," but it's not. It's going to take a lot of work...the surgery is just the beginning. I have already learned some and will be learning much more about nutrition, what the body really needs and how to consume it, and a completely different approach to eating. I hope to lose 150-175 pounds, and document my journey here. I have an appointment to meet with the surgeon this Friday and take another step, looking ahead to physiological and psychological evaluation, counseling, and the pre-approval process for insurance, not to mention preparing for the time off of work, and how D will be provided for while I am out of commission. My mom, bless her, has agreed to come stay with me after the surgery to help make sure D has meals/rides/etc and to help me if I need it while I recover.

I'm excited. Off I go...

is there anybody out there?

wow....just wow, the date of my last post. wow.

so yeah, I'm not dead.

So much has changed. I'm single now...well, separated, but may as well be. I don't know what to think of that some times. Other times i feel an overwhelming sense of loss and dread, and yet other times i feel hope for the future and the opportunities.

my boy is going to be 10 this month. I can't believe it. He's growing up so fast and turning out to be a wonderful, fun, caring young man.

my head hurts, so i'll stop for now. I've been feeling inspired to write lately, so i'm thinking this here blog might get a shot in the arm. We'll see....no promises. I plan on poking around in my list of links to see how y'all are doing. some i know from facebook, others will be a surprise.

Be well all...see you soon. I'll leave you with this link since i'm too tired to embed right now. kisses

this song has a profound effect on me

On a Boat, Bishes

Someone showed me this the other day and it was just too damned funny not to share. I haven't posted in ages (yes, I'm lame) but I am still crusing your blogs. No, really...I am! What? Oh stop it, or I'll beat you with my flippy floppys. lol

Oh...NSFW or small children due to language.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Obama's been president now for three hours...and IT's ON.

*applauds*

Snappy New Year

So...it’s 2009. Thank the powers that be! 2008 was pretty rotten. I've heard so many say that...

I drank entirely too much, I gained weight, I got a new boss who's an asshole, I blew off far too many things, I was ridiculously broke... so, I'm cranky but hopeful.

SO...be forewarned: ranting ahead.


Things that Annoyed the Shit out of me in 2008:
(I'll probably keep adding to this as I think of more annoying things, so stay tuned)


Shoes laying in the road – Where is the other one? What happened to the person? Why? Of course, this has ALWAYS disturbed me.

Toilet stalls that make you have to straddle the toilet to get the door open/closed. Try that in a pencil skirt, assholes.

Pantyhose... 'nuf said.

The asshole with no license or insurance who rear-ended me and totaled my car. ...and the apathetic cop who wrote him up for no license and ignored the bag of pot he dropped behind his car even when someone showed it to him.

Windshield wiper motors that burn out as soon as the snow starts melting.

Pants made for women by people who think they have no curves…if it fits the hips and butt, it's huge in the waist. Gah

The idiot new supervisor who insists I sit facing a wall so that he can peek over my shoulder to see what I'm doing. I HATE facing walls. I am going to put a big picture of a hand flipping the bird on my screen saver for him. Have I ever missed a deadline? Blown anything off? Ever produced anything that was less than top quality? NO. Piss off, asshole.

The fact that I've morphed my anxiety and discontent somehow into apathy and laziness. Not that the anxiety wasn't unpleasant enough...

Homework...slews of homework in second grade. It's just wrong.

Driving my car directly into a tornado. Well...actually that wasn't so annoying...it scared the living shit out of me.

Not getting paid for two holidays at Thanksgiving because I got snowed in out in Colorado and refused to spend 36 hours risking my life to drive home in a blizzard. (which is how long it would have taken...)

Being ridiculously broke.

*sigh*

You know…there always has to be a yin to the yang... there were SOME good things:

My wonderful parents who paid for my son's bday party, saving the day for my broke ass.

My wonderful parent who gave me a car after asshole referenced above totaled mine...yes, it's a putt putt but it gets me there.

My son...because he is an awesome kid, and my rock, and my light, and probably the main reason that I'm not incarcerated or dead at this point. Oy, the naiveté and destructiveness of youth.

Obama... 'nuf said

All my rockin' friends on Second Life. They are THE best, I tell you.

Better financial planning for this year, starting before the year even started.

Having enough common sense to know that it's time to stop drinking and get my shit together. Wish me luck, people...the 3-6 of you that still come here, that is. Celti still lurves you.

When On-Line Friends Disappear

I've been active on-line (blogging, chatrooms, Second Life, etc.) for years. I've developed a lot of wonderful friendships via the internet over the years...several people I care about deeply. We all, however, tend to keep an anonimity in tact with those relationships...know first name but not last, state but not city, etc. It's for safeties sake...don't want someone we don't really know going stalker or psycho on us.

Those that I am REALLY close to, I have phone numbers and such for...just in case one of us drops offline we can check up on each other, not to mention chat now and then. Those I don't have contact information for, however...it worries me some times. What if they were to disappear...never login again, not answer e-mails...the worry and wondering would be frustrating at best. I've had this happen before, but they eventually showed back up somehow, much to my relief.

I've a situation with one such friend. Well, I actually have this person's phone number, but the last I talked to him, he wasn't living at that house any more. This dear man, an intelligent, funny, soft-hearted person, is bi-polar and has suffered from horrible bouts of depression and other suffering. The last I talked to him, he had been in the hospital, and things had gone terribly wrong with his wife so he had moved out. He was miserable...missing his children, missing her, just completely miserable and so very down. There's only so much you can do from 2000 miles away...*sigh*

Well, I haven't heard from him now for months. Honestly, I'm worried sick. He's had a history of attempting suicide and I'm scared to death that he's done it. I want to call that number I have and check on him, but I know I would get his wife... I guess you can say I'm scared to call...scared of what I'll find out. I've e-mailed several times with no response...which is not like him. Sometimes they're slow in coming, but he always respond.

If I didn't have a phone number, I'd be completely clueless and helpless. But I have a number...I'm going to call soon...I just can't stand it any more.

Update 10/8/08: HE'S OK :) *breathes sigh of relief*