November 24, 2004

Just In Time

...for the four day weekend, I GOT MY NEW COMPUTER! woo hoo!

My old home PC is toast. After much porn surfing by the ex-roommate (a.k.a. spank monkey) it was extremely infected with spyware, adware and various other varieties of shit. Spank Monkey thought he'd try his hand at fixing it and completely buggered it up, rendering it useless. This was probably about 3 months ago. I've had two friends try to fix it and have tried myself. Having done tech support for a while, I know my way around a PC pretty well, but couldn't get anywhere on this boat anchor.

Last night, I purchased an HP Pavilion from a friend who no longer needs it because he got a kickin' laptop. It's only 2 months old, loaded with goodies, lots of hard drive space, shitloads of RAM, cd burner...the works. YAY! Now I just need to get hooked up with a DSL service and I'll be all set. I'm on dial up for now, just to get back on-line, but it isn't too bad. Hey, at least I can get on-line at home again.

What I am Thankful for this Thanksgiving
(...aside from friends and family, for whom I am always thankful.)

My new computer!

My job where I have access to kickass things like photo-quality printers, wide format, scanners, and I can surf the internet as much as I like as long as my work is caught up.

The South Beach diet for making me feel more in control, and physically and emotionally more confident.

My wonderful son, Derrick. He is the light of my life. Although he's been technically potty trained for a long time now, my little man wore underpants to bed last night for the first time and didn't wet. I am so proud of him.

My wonderful blog friends. I am so fortunate to have the opportunity to get to know so many funny, intelligent, nice people as I have through blogging. You guys are awesome.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone! (Yes, even you Canadians, Australians...*grin*)

November 23, 2004

Service Interruption

Sorry for dropping off the face of the earth there, folks. I'm just going through some tough stuff right now, and haven't managed to come up with anything to post about. I didn't come to work yesterday - wasn't emotionally able to face the world until about 3pm. My computer at home still isn't working, but hopefully that will be remedied by the end of the week.

Take care all. I'll be back soon.

November 18, 2004

Johnny Mainline

We have a friend named John who is a methamphetamine addict. It is really hard to watch the daily rollercoaster ride that is his life.

John is a very creative, artistic and talented person and he is very intelligent. Unfortunatley, meth has a huge hold on him that has crippled him and prevented him from ever having any kind of success in his life...he is a slave to it. He tries and tries, but always ends up back on the shit.

John is like a little brother - you love him but just don't know what to do with him. He comes over when he is high, and can't sit still. He fidgets and looks through all of our stuff, just exploring - trying to keep his mind busy. It drives me nuts. I just want to sedate him so he'll sit down and relax.

John injects the meth - the most addictive and powerful way to do it. That's why we call him Johnny Mainline. He can shoot a quarter or half gram and be high for 3 days. He NEVER does it at our house - we won't allow it.

He arrives, by foot, in winter, beads of sweat on his brow when you greet him at the door. He draws and paints pictures on the basement walls and plays guitar, then draws more. We let him hang out because we know he doesn't have anywhere else to go but drug houses and we know that he comes to be with us to seek peace - it's a safe place for him. We treat him nice and try not to judge him. He almost always leaves a token of some kind - a pillow case, a jacket or sweat shirt...last time it was a little green glass bird.

I know that John is harmless. He never becomes violent or does anything stupid (besides the drugs, that is), but we do watch him closely nonetheless. He doesn't come around nearly as much now that Derrick is around, ashamed of himself I suppose.

I worry about John...a lot. I worry that one of these days we're going to hear that he's dead. He is only in his late 20s and his body is wearing out. If he doesn't have a stroke or his kidneys don't shut down, he could overdose or have a heart attack. We just try to be there for him when he seeks solace. It's really all we can do.

You see, I live in the one of the meth capitals of the world. Iowa is crawling with it. It's cheap and effective, easy to make and easy to get. There are so many people I know that have been hooked by it. It seems it is nearly impossible to get off of once a person gets hooked.

I lost my best friend to meth - no, she didn't die, but she's not my friend any more. She went through treatment 3 times without success, and then got so wrapped up in it that she ended up getting arrested as she and her boyfriend were cooking it. After 3 months in jail, 3 more months in in-house treatment and then a drug-court program where if she tests dirty she'll go to prison, she is finally clean. Her drug treatment taught her, however, that she can't be friends with anyone she was friends with when she was using - even if they don't use. Although she hugs me and tells me how much she loves and misses me when we run into each other, we are no longer friends. Sometimes I think it would almost have been easier (for me, anyway) if she had died. I miss you, Bee.

November 16, 2004

Tuesday Tidbits

Pod Update
A lot of you have read here about my nieghbor, Pod. He's the Vietnam Vet who got drunk and fell off my front porch, ending up in the hospital. Well, I took Pod out to lunch on Veteran's day and I am happy to report that he is doing well. Pod hasn't had a drop of alcohol since that day. 36 days sober...that's a big thing for him. It seems that tumble off the porch was a bit of an eye opener for him.

Ebay Hilarity
Check out the latest treasure available on Ebay...

"You are bidding on three real frogs taxidermy doing it threesome style."
Availble for $22.95 strait from the Louisiana Bayou. Bwaaaaahahaha!

Baggy Pantz
The diet is still going very well. I am happy to report that I have lost.....(drumroll please)...28 Pounds! Woo Hoo! It has been tough, but way worth it. I am used to the restrictions now and they seem like second nature to a certain extent. I have been able to treat myself with splenda sweetened ice cream and ricotta chocolate mousse, so I don't feel deprived. It turns out, however, that my body requires more water to break down all of the proteins, so I was getting dehydrated. The skin on my fingers started peeling off! It was wierd. I have stepped up my water consumption, however, and now that has stopped.

I think it's getting to be about time to reward myself with a hot new outfit! I have already been shopping for new jammies for our Kansas City gathering - gotta have something fun to romp around with in the hotel with the girls. I'm thinking black so it doesn't show margarita stains...

Baby Chester
One of my favorite bands is Linkin Park. The other day, just fooling around, Derrick put on Daddy's glasses and, much to my surprise, he looked just like Chester, the lead singer of Linkin Park! Check it out...

No, I didn't have a secret, sordid affair with Chester and then give birth to his love-child. LOL (hmmmmm...)

November 15, 2004

Love Will Come to You

There are a lot of blogger friends out there right now that are lonely, hurting and searching for love. It is so sad that so many extraordinary people have this empty space in their hearts and can't find someone to help fill it. So, this post is dedicated to all of you. It is one of my favorite songs.

I think, particularly, of my evil twin, Aimee, when I hear this song. She is so deserving of love and it saddens me tremendously that she is alone. Sure, she has her wonderful daughter and a family that loves her and friends who love her, but I think you all know the kind of love we're talking about here.

For you, sweetheart (...and all of the rest - *big hugs* my friends)

Love Will Come to You

guess i wasn't the best one to ask
me myself with my face pressed
up against love's glass
to see the shiny toy i've been hoping for
the one i never could afford

the wide world spins and spits turmoil
and the nations toil for peace
but the paws of fear upon your chest
only love can soothe that beast
and my words are paper tigers
no match for the predators of pain inside her

i say love will come to you
hoping just because i spoke the words that they're true
as if i offered up a crystal ball to look through
where there is now one there will be two

i was born under the sign of cancer
like brushing cloth i smooth the wrinkles for an answer
i'm always closing my eyes and wishing i'm fine
(i close my eyes and wish you fine)
even though i know i'm not this time

i say love will come to you
hoping just because i spoke the words that they're true
as if i offered up a crystal ball to look through
where there is now one there will be two

dodging your memories - a field of knives
always on the outside looking in on other's lives

i say love will come to you
hoping just because i spoke the words that they're true
as if i offered up a crystal ball to look through
where there is now one there will be two

and i wish her insight to battle love's blindness
strength from the milk of human kindness
a safe place for all the pieces that scattered
learn to pretend there's more than love that matters

November 12, 2004

Gonna Be a Bear

In this life, I'm a woman.

In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear.

When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

When you're a female bear, you birth your children (who are born the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. ...and he can deal with that.

Yup, gonna be a bear!

November 11, 2004

Lightening Crashes

I'm feeling sad today...sad, unmotivated, tired, uninspired. It's one of those days when you could just go back to bed and sleep the day away. How much simpler life is when I am asleep - no deadlines, obligations, responsibilities, bills to pay, meals to cook, shopping to do, messes to clean.

It reminds me of one of my favorite songs - Higher by Creed. The song talks about how he wishes he could make his real world just like his dreams.

I guess it's because I've been thinking about my friend, Grace.

(kleenex alert)

Songs affect me so deeply some times. Last night, on my way home from work, a song came on the radio that makes me cry every time I hear it. By the end of the song, I was sobbing. The song is called "Lighning Crashes" by Live.

lightning crashes, a new mother cries
her placenta falls to the floor
the angel opens her eyes
the confusion sets in
before the doctor can even close the door

lightning crashes, an old mother dies
her intentions fall to the floor
the angel closes her eyes
the confusion that was hers
belongs now, to the baby down the hall

oh now feel it comin' back again
like a rollin' thunder chasing the wind
forces pullin' from the center of the earth again
I can feel it.

lightning crashes, a new mother cries
this moment she's been waiting for
the angel opens her eyes
pale blue colored iris,
presents the circle
and puts the glory out to hide, hide

Although it doesn't mirror the situation exactly, this song came out right about the time that I lost my friend Grace. I always think of her when I hear it.

Grace was a coworker of mine years ago. We sat next to each other and became good friends. She married Curt - another coworker of ours and a wonderful guy. They were a great couple and not long after they were married, Grace became pregnant. They were so excited. When Grace was about 5 months pregnant, Curt was offered a great job in Phoenix, and they moved there. Grace and I continued to correspond via e-mail often.

Shortly before her due date, Grace started getting sick. She would vomit a lot and just felt terrible. One night, she was so sick that Curt took her to the ER. They told her that it's just part of being pregnant and to go home and deal with it. They heard the baby's heart beat that night, but the next morning she knew that something was wrong. She was still horribly sick and the baby had stopped moving.

To make a long story short, her baby, Mary, was still born that day via c-section and it was determined that Grace had a serious case of toxemia. Curt and Grace were crushed. They took pictures of her, planned for her burial and planned to take some time off together to help each other heal. The next morning, with Curt by her side, Grace died of an aortic aneurysm - almost literally a broken heart.

I'll never forget the moment when I was told. A mutual friend that I still worked with told me - at first I thought she was just telling me that the baby didn't make it. She quickly made it clear that Grace didn't make it either. It was like someone punched me in the stomach and I couldn't catch my breath for several seconds.

I couldn't make it to Grace and Mary's funeral. It was too far away and I had no vacation time, but my heart was there. They were buried together in the same casket, with Mary cradled in Grace's arms.

My heart still aches for Curt - it has been 10 years now. He lost his precious baby girl and his wife both within 24 hours. Last I heard he was doing ok. I hope he has found happiness.

Wow, this was hard to write about. This story reminds me how important it is to love those who are special to you and to show that love as much as you can now, as you never know when you will lose them.

November 09, 2004

I got a lotta Nothin'

My mind is a perplexing mess today...a million thoughts all bumping into each other "hey, watch it!" "oh, excuse me!" "what was that?" "What did she say?"

All of this political bickering and fighting in blog land is giving me a headache. It's not that I want to take the easy way out and avoid conflict. A big part of my wants to dive in and rip certain individuals to shreds while brandishing my tongue-sword in the denfense of kindred spirits while another part of my backs.away.slowly, not wanting to offend someone I care about, not wanting to come off like a bitch, not wanting to be attacked, wondering where my rock is so I can crawl underneath in the dark, humid safety of solace. If my mood is good, I want to maintain that if at all possible. It gets lonely under that rock.

There has been a lot of sexy talk going on today (and last night) and it is making me squirm in my chair. Another big part of my mind is taking the rest by the hand and bidding it follow to fantasy land - that vivid, sordid, hot and steamy realm where I can have my way with whom I want and everything goes perfectly. Heh heh...I'd better stop here on this thread...

The way that I can get inside my own head and create my own world, dream, fantasize is sometimes disturbing. There is so much noise yet it is completely silent on the outside. Is it like that for everyone? If I could type fast enough, I would attempt to document the stream of thoughts. Hmmm...maybe I'll try that...
This is an experiment people. goes...

dang i know i'm not going to be able to type fast enough for this to work ow that bump on my gums hurts what the hell is that thing it's just a bump did something get stuck in there oh I like this song I need to get this album I'm getting hungry almost time for lunch what will I have can't be carbs damn i miss bread i want a sandwich had chicken yesterday nothing really in the fridge that's all protein getting sick of jerky and no more fucking eggs hey that itches oh well stick to it damn it you still have a lot to lose when should i buy new clothes not until you're done or you won't get to wear them long as they'll be baggy everything is baggy now deal with it it's in style anyway if you want to look like you have no ass that would be something new now wouldn't it you've always had a lot of junk in the trunk ha ha gotta get some new bras damnit stupid thing keeps riding up on my back tighten it a few notches dumbass wait you aren't going to have shit for a rack to be proud of dang why am i blogging i have work to do i'm gonna get busted would they fire me nah they love what I do too much at least my screen faces away from the door so they can't peek but it's on the firewall oh well Kevin doesn't give a shit unless i piss him off and don't do his stuff he's still on atkins i should watch some videos on no work stupid get your shit done and then you can play hope derrick is having a better day today don't know whether to tell him to kick killian's ass or tell on him why does he pick on him they're only 4 for god's sake summer's streaks in her hair look fucking ridiculous why does she do that damn she's tall.

Ok, that's enough. I was right...couldn't keep up. It's official. I'm crazy. Oh, well...that's ok. I'm comfortable with it. *chuckle chuckle*

November 08, 2004


I had one of the best movie experiences I've ever had this weekend...

Central Iowa has a new mall - the Jordan Creek Town Center. This overdressed suburban behemoth is adorned with a brand spankin' new Century theeater - 20 Screens and more showtimes than you can shake a stick at (21 for just this movie each day).

The snack bar is incredible - anything you might want is most likely there. You can have pizza, ice cream (Edys), coffee (Starbucks), kettle corn...I was very impressed. I had an iced Mocha (yum! 1st one I've had in a month!).

The seats in the theaters are incredible, too. They are so soft, big and cushy. They recline and the arms flip up so you can turn them into a big, comfy couch. Wonderful!

The sound was awesome, the picture was awesome...Oh! Yeah, we saw "the Incredibles" and we loved it. It's a Pixar film (Toy Story, Nemo...) so I knew it would be good. Synopsis: Once one of the world's top masked crime fighters, Bob Parr--known to all as "Mr. Incredible"--fought evil and saved lives on a daily basis. But now fifteen years later, Bob and his wife--a famous superhero in her own right--have adopted civilian identities and retreated to the suburbs to live normal lives with their three kids. Now he's a clock-punching insurance claims adjuster fighting boredom and a bulging waistline. Itching to get back into action, Bob gets his chance when a mysterious communication summons him to a remote island for a top-secret assignment.

I don't want to spoil it for anyone, so I will just say that I highly recommend the movie. Go see it.

What did you do this weekend?

November 05, 2004

All I Ever Need to Know

All I ever needed to know, I learned in Kindergarten

Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do, and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sand box at nursery school.

These are the things I learned:
Share everything.
Play fair.
Don't hit people.
Put things back where you found them.
Clean up your own mess.
Don't take things that aren't yours.
Say you are sorry when you hurt somebody.
Wash your hands before you eat.
Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
Live a balanced life.
Learn some and think some and draw some and paint and sing and dance and play and work everyday.
Take a nap every afternoon.
When you go out in the world, watch for traffic, hold hands, and stick together.
Be aware of wonder.

Remember the little seed in the plastic cup? The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why. We are like that.

And then remember that book about Dick and Jane and the first word you learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK! Everything you need to know is there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation, ecology, and politics and the sane living.

Think of what a better world it would be if we all, the whole world, had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or we had a basic policy in our nation and other nations to always put things back where we found them and clean up our own messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out in the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.

--- Robert Fulghum

Have a great weekend...and be nice to each other. *smooch*

Tattoo of the Day

November 04, 2004


This is the sunset I was greeted with last night when I came out into the world...

It was breath-taking.

I hope the image is still big enough for you to make out the hundreds of huge black ravens in the tops of the trees. When my flash went off, they all took flight...

November 03, 2004


I try to abstain from political meanderings on my blog as politics often brings disagreement and alienation. I have friends who are Republican, and I respect their right to their own opinions and to choose for themselves. I can't, however, seem to focus on much more than the dread in my heart this morning.

I just read on MSNBC that Bush has 269 Electoral votes so far and that Kerry has 238. With 31 electoral votes still up in the air, Kerry could only reach 269 if he wins them ALL. The winner is supposed to have 270 to win. What happens if they tie at 269?

I also just heard (through the grapevine) that the Florida voting machines were jacked up (big surprise there) and that votes for Kerry were recorded as votes for Bush. WTF? Does anyone know anything about this? I googled it with several different key words and found nothing.

One of my friends stopped by last night. When I asked him if he'd voted yet, he informed me that he had not and didn't intend to. I asked why and he said that he wanted to vote for Nader, but that it was a waste of time. I tried and tried to convince him to go, but he would not. I lost a considerable amount of respect for him just then. I wonder how he feels today.

I got shit-faced last night as I watched the results come in, state after state turning red on the map (how's that for symbolism?). Regardless, I wobbled to bed at 10:30 with fear and dread in my heart. I awoke to affirmation. Although it isn't over officially yet, I anticipate with trepidation the song that the fat lady will sing.

November 01, 2004

Monday Morning Mind-Dump

There Are Real Hobbits (or were...)
So, the other day I heard this guy in the coffee shop yammering about something. I caught "they found real hobbits in Indonesia!". Huh? Turns out that some remains have been unearthed from tiny human beings who are being referred to as Homo Floresiensis - they are still examining and studying, but think that they lived around 13,000 years ago and were wiped out by a volcanic eruption. The Dastard has some information about it and some links for your perusal...

KC Count Down
10 weeks until our Kansas City Blogger Party! Woo hoo! So far, Kate the Peon, Pup, Aimee, Jamie and me are going to descend upon Kansas City the weekend of January 15. Pup is in big trouble, guys, so someone needs to come save him from all of these women...or maybe not! HA! Don't know what we're going to be doing, but I'm sure it will be fun!

Birthday Weekend
As most of you already know, I spent the weekend celebrating my son's birthday. I survived the Chuck E. Cheese party with 11 of his little friends. It was pandemonium, but went well.

Here is part of the group with Chuck. Some of them wore constumes, some did not. Derrick was a pirate (forgot to put the hat, eye patch and hook on before the pic) hence the dark eyes. He didn't want to go trick-or-treating because he wanted to go home and play with his new toys so badly. That's ok...I certainly don't need all of that candy around to tempt me.

Funny Kitties
Found this cute video over the weekend. My kid was squealing with delight as he played it over & over. It made me smile.

I Voted, Did You? (or Will YOU?)
I have already cast my vote for the upcoming election. I decided to do it via absentee ballott so I wouldn't have to worry about dragging a toddler to the polls. I've heard of a lot of places that have early polling places set up, but don't know of any around here. No I sit and wait, white knuckled, short of breath...

Cheater Cheater, Carb Eater!
I fell of the wagon a little this weekend on my diet. But was D's birthday AND halloween. How could I not? I had 2 slices of bread, a pumpkin cookie, a teeny helping of mashed potatoes, a mini peanut butter cup, a few bites of spaghetti...not really all that bad. I can still feel the pounds falling off and couldn't be happier about it. Today, I am wearing a pair of pants that I could not wear 1 month ago...too tight. They are even a little loose. *dance of joy*

It makes me happy to run my car though big huge puddles in the street, sending water flying everywhere. Yeeeeaaaaaah.

Happy Monday, Friends!