October 29, 2004

Yes, Sir, He's My Baby...

Happy Birthday to my son, my love, my baby Derrick!

The D-Man is turning 4 years old today. I can't believe it. It seems like only a short time ago that he was born.

Derrick was born on Beggars Night and came home with us on Halloween - our little pumpkin. He was a very happy baby and never really looked like a newborn. The nurses said that if he would have been a turkey, his little thingy would have been popped out (not THAT thingy).

4 years ago right now, I was laying in a hospital bed, moaning and groaning. He was born at 2:25, so we were getting pretty close.

Tonight, we'll be celebrating by going out to eat with all of the family - his cousin's birthday is today, too, so we always get together. And, of course, he'll get to open some presents. Tomorrow, we're having a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese's. Wish me luck, folks, as I'll be in charge of 10 little maniacs from age 3 to 6. Then, immediately following the party, beggars night begins so several of us will be going trick-or-treating together. I'll be lucky if the little bugger is in bed by midnight with all of that excitement and sugar. Sunday, we rest.

I think I got a little carried away on the birthday shopping this year. I guess that's what I get for starting early. I would buy things and shove them in the trunk of my car (best hiding place). When I got them out to wrap them last weekend, holy cow what a haul! I might have to save a few for Christmas...

October 28, 2004


Although I haven't stepped on a scale since I did several days ago (and discovered that 10 pounds had disappeared in 10 days), I can tell it is still working. My freakin' jeans are falling off and they just came out of the dryer! Yeeeeeee! (yes, that's glee) Just call me baggy pantz...

There is a problem, though...I think my boobs are shrinking. I'm not so sure that I'm happy about that. Just a few months ago, I sprang for 4 really nice, quite expensive new bras. I put one of them on this morning, and it's too big. WTF? It needs to come off of my ASS, not there! Oh, the humanity!

October 27, 2004


(October 31st -Nov 1st)
Also known as: Halloween, ShadowFest, Martinmas, Old Hallowmas
(Pronounced Sow-en)

The Last Harvest. The Earth nods a sad farewell to the God and knows that He will once again be reborn of the Goddess and the cycle will continue. This is a time of reflection, a time to honor the Ancients who have gone on before us and the time of 'Seeing" (divination). As we contemplate the Wheel of the Year, we come to recognize our own part in the eternal cycle of Life.

Samhain Celebration
Over the weekend, millions worldwide will adorn a witch’s hat, cape, and broom or some other outlandish garb, but how do real witches celebrate Halloween? And where did the holiday originate?

The basis of Halloween — or Samhain — goes back to the middle ages and before. The holiday is actually rooted in a harvest festival first celebrated in the fifth century B.C. by the Celts who lived in what are now Ireland, Britain, and northern France.

Samhain marks one of the two great doorways of the Celtic year, for the Celts divided the year into two seasons: the light and the dark, at Beltane on May 1st and Samhain on November 1st. Samhain was the more important festival, marking the beginning of a whole new cycle, just as the Celtic day began at night. For it was understood that in dark silence comes whisperings of new beginnings, the stirring of the seed below the ground. Whereas Beltane welcomes in the summer with joyous celebrations at dawn, the most magically potent time of this festival is November Eve, the night of October 31st, known today of course, as Halloween.

The Celtic summer officially ended on the last day of October and the New Year, called Samhain, began on the first of November. On the night between years, the Celts believed that on Oct. 31, Samhain eve, the veil between the living and the dead was lifted, and that spirits would search for living bodies to possess. To frighten the spirits away, villagers would extinguish the fires in their homes, making them frigid and unwelcoming, and dress up in ghoulish attire, noisily parading around town in an unruly and destructive manner.

Samhain literally means “summer's end.” In Scotland and Ireland, Halloween is known as OĆ­che Shamhna, while in Wales it is Nos Calan Gaeaf, the eve of the winter's calend, or first. With the rise of Christianity, Samhain was changed to Hallowmas, or All Saints' Day, to commemorate the souls of the blessed dead who had been canonized that year, so the night before became popularly known as Halloween, All Hallows Eve, or Hollantide. November 2nd became All Souls Day, when prayers were to be offered to the souls of all who the departed and those who were waiting in Purgatory for entry into Heaven. Throughout the centuries, pagan and Christian beliefs intertwine in a gallimaufry of celebrations from Oct 31st through November 5th, all of which appear both to challenge the ascendancy of the dark and to revel in its mystery.

One very common misconception about Halloween (and witchcraft in general) is that it is satanic. This is not so. In fact, witches do not even believe in satan or the devil. Witches are generally peace-loving, caring people who respect the earth and the people they share it with.

While doing a little searching around when writing this, I came across this story. It is about a Baptist minister who befriended a witch and attended a Samhain ritual. If only there were more ministers (or people of all religions, for that matter) like this - it would be a much more peaceful world.

Americanization of Halloween
Although Halloween has its origins in Celtic Britain, until recently the holiday was largely celebrated here in unison with Guy Fawkes Day — the Nov. 5 anniversary of a conspiracy to blow up the English Parliament and King James in 1605.

But, fireworks and burning effigies of Guy Fawkes have been overshadowed by the American tradition of dressing children up on Oct. 31 and sending them out to knock on doors for candy.

Communing with the Dead
While the modern American version of Halloween — which has recently been exported back to Britain — is a potluck of Celtic, Roman, and Christian tradition, heavily infused with its own commercial traits, practitioners of witchcraft relate more closely to the original celebration of Samhain.

It’s a time to honor the changing season, the dead, those who’ve passed who had a big impact on our lives.

So, dress up, have fun, but remember to take a few moments to reflect upon those who have passed on and what they have meant to us as well as the year that has passed and your goals for the coming year.

Halloween Apple Fun
Apple Magic
At the heart of the Celtic Otherworld grows an apple tree whose fruit has magical properties. Old sagas tell of heroes crossing the western sea to find this wondrous country, known in Ireland as Emhain Abhlach, (Evan Avlach) and in Britain, Avalon. At Samhain, the apple harvest is in, and old hearthside games, such as apple-bobbing, called apple-dookin’ in Scotland, reflect the journey across water to obtain the magic apple.

Dookin' for Apples
Place a large tub, preferably wooden, on the floor, and half fill it with water. Tumble in plenty of apples, and have one person stir them around vigorously with a long wooden spoon or rod of hazel, ash or any other sacred tree.
Each player takes their turn kneeling on the floor, trying to capture the apples with their teeth as they go bobbing around. Each gets three tries before the next person has a go. Best to wear old clothes for this one, and have a roaring fire nearby so you can dry off while eating your prize!
If you do manage to capture an apple, you might want to keep it for a divination ritual, such as this one:

The Apple and the Mirror
Before the stroke of midnight, sit in front of a mirror in a room lit only by one candle or the moon. Go into the silence, and ask a question. Cut the apple into nine pieces. With your back to the mirror, eat eight of the pieces, then throw the ninth over your left shoulder. Turn your head to look over the same shoulder, and you will see and in image or symbol in the mirror that will tell you your answer.
(When you look in the mirror, let your focus go "soft," and allow the patterns made by the moon or candlelight and shadows to suggest forms, symbols and other dreamlike images that speak to your intuition.)

Happy Halloween!

October 25, 2004

Saturday Afternoon Cooter Pie

I finally got to meet another blogger! Saturday afternoon, Cooter/Ang and I got together for some drinkity drinks.

What could have been a small disaster (aka my bad choice of bars) was diverted when we both managed to descend upon the small, unmarked, closed bar. She had forgotten the e-mail with my directions and phone number, I had forgotten to write down her cell phone number and had chosen a bar that didn't open until later in the day and did not happen to have the name of the bar on the front of the building (I had no idea)! Jeez! So, after discovering the bar closed, I parked my butt out in front and waited. Ang pulled up a short time later, walked to the front of the bar and proceeded to find it closed as well. I flagged her down and we moseyed on down the street to another place that I know about a block away.

First impression of Ang...much taller and cuter than I expected. I've only ever seen one picture of her (on Jay's party) and it doesn't do her justice. She is a cutie pie! She had herself all done up really cute (and here I was in my jeans and black t-shirt, hair all askew. woof) like she was meeting some cute guy for the first time. HEE HEE! I was kinda honored.

So, we picked a booth in the bar and proceeded to yack like we were old friends that hadn't seen each other for a long time...for hours. We laughed and talked about other bloggers & the blog world, my dog, her dog, nieces, nephews, men, my evil twin, my silly kid, bars, blog crushes, geneaology, old blueprints, spank monkey, men, birthin' babies, drag queens, our KC blogger slumber party coming up in Jan, men, sausage and so much more!

After a couple of margaritas, I just wanted to stay there and keep chatting, but Ang had a date with a very special sausage, so we had to break away. Can't wait to get together with her again. Thanks Cooter, I had a blast!

October 21, 2004

I Like my Butter Whipped

Well, my last post has gone to that great blog in the sky. Although I am angry and frustrated at myself for letting the actions of one person affect me to that degree, I know that I can get over it and move on.

To those of you that contributed your words of wisdom and affection, thank you for helping to whip me back into shape. You guys are the reason why I stick around this place and I love you. You know who you are.

Gawd, I am such a dork.

So, to provide further proof of what a dork I am, I will proceed with the post that I had planned on doing today.

Celti Trivia

I am a strange character...really, you have no idea. I have done some really wierd things. Some of them are impressive, some are not, some are just very odd...

 I used to be a work-out freak. I lifted weights - seriously. At one point I was able to bench-press 200lbs. I was a landscaper at the time, and had no problems tossing railroad ties and river rock around.

 One time, my first time visiting the Mediterranean Sea, I thought it would be a cool idea to float around on a raft. The waves gently rocked me to sleep and I got one of the worst sunburns I've ever had. You see, I wan't wearing a swimsuit top, and my hooters had never seen the sun before that day. They were as red as lobsters and I couldn't wear a bra for a week.

 I have a strange fascination with death and the dead. I spent LOTS of time in the Catacombs of Paris examining the bones and I am very familiar with our local grave yards.

 I used to work as a clown, delivering balloon bouquets and singing to people for various occasions.

 Other jobs I've held:
Delicatessen/Catering worker
Domino's pizza delivery person
Landscaper/Grounds keeper
horticulturist growing poinsettias
gourmet coffee service representative
technical support for an internet service provider
marketing assistant for office equipment firm

I have never been fired from a job.

 I am an animal lover. In the last several years, I have been the proud pet-parent to a rabbit, several snakes, a very large Savannah Monitor lizard, several dogs, several cats and fish. I now, however, have trimmed my zoo down to one dog, one cat, and one snake.

 My Hair - it's gone through many transformations.
I was born blonde (no blonde jokes, damn it!)
I dyed black stripes in it
I dyed it completely black
I dyed it auburn
I dyed it bright red
I went back to blonde
I was the first person at my high school to have a rat tail
At one point, I had my hair long in the back, short and spiked on the top and completely shaved on the sides above and behind my ears. Yes, I confess to having had a bull-dyke mullet from hell. Hey, it was the thing in 1984!

October 20, 2004

I'll have a Sammich without the Bun

I have a big announcement for my diet support group...


The South Beach diet is working, folks. I am sooooooo excited. The cravings have gone away, and I'm getting used to it, so it should be smooth sailing now. I still miss and long for bread, but it's worth it...every damn pound of it! Weight loss has never been an easy thing for me, so I am so happy to have found something that works.

Thanks so much for all of the encouragement you guys have provided (it worked!) and keep it coming, peeps! Love ya!

Take My Hand

Touch my skin,and tell me what you're thinking
Take my hand and show me where we're going
Lie down next to me, look into my eyes
and tell me, oh tell me what you're seeing

Sit on top of the world and tell me how you're feeling
What you feel now is what I feel for you
Take my hand and if I'm lying to you
I'll always be alone
If I'm lying to you

See my eyes, they carry your reflection
Watch my lips and hear the words I'm telling
Give your trust to me and look into my heart
and show me, show me what you're doing

Sit on top of the world and tell me how you're feeling
What you feel now is what I feel for you

Take my hand and if I'm lying to you
I'll always be alone
If I'm lying to you

Take your time, if I'm lying to you
I know you'll find that you believe me
You believe me

Feel the sun on your face and tell me what you're thinking
Catch the snow on your tongue and show me how it tastes

Take my hand and if I'm lying to you
I'll always be alone
If I'm lying to you

Take your time, if I'm lying to you
I know you'll find that you believe me
You believe me

October 19, 2004

Hit & Run Celti

Sorry for the lack of updates, folks. I have been busier than...well, very busy at work. Since I have no internet access at home (thanks, John), work is the only place I can blog. Yeah, it sucks.

So, I thought that, perhaps, I could amuse you with some things that have recently caught my attention:

Disturbing Ebay Auctions - It's amazing what some people will put up for sale on Ebay. Some of these are a riot! Be sure to check out "does-your-kid-suck" and "need-wood"

Black Box Voting - Rest assured that this election could make 2000's look like cake.

Our "Terror Alert" System - what it REALLY is all about.

Team America - Putting the F back in freedom

October 15, 2004


In honor of my dieting efforts, protein crazed stupor, carb deprived insantiy ensues...

Eat steak, eat steak eat a big ol' steer
Eat steak, eat steak do we have one dear?
Eat beef, eat beef it's a mighty good food
It's a grade A meal when I'm in the mood.

Cowpokes'll come from a near and far
When you throw a few rib-eyes on the fire
Roberto Duran ate two before a fight
'Cause it gave a lot of mighty men a lot of mighty might

Eat steak, eat steak eat a big ol' steer
Eat steak, eat steak do we have one here?
Eat beef, eat beef it's a mighty good food
It's a grade A meal when I'm in the mood.

Eat meat, eat meat, filet mignon
Eat meat, eat meat, eat it all day long
Eat a few T-bones till you get your fill
Eat a new york cut, hot off the grill

Eat steak, eat steak eat a big ol' steer
Eat steak, eat steak do we have one dear?
Eat beef, eat beef it's a mighty good food
It's a grade A meal when I'm in the mood.

Eat a cow, eat a cow 'cuase it's good for you
Eat a cow, eat a cow it's the thing that goes "Mooooo"

Saw a big Angus Steer standing right over there
So I rustled up a fire cooked him medium rare
Bar-B-Q'ed his brisket, a roasted his rump
Fed my dog that ol' Angus Steer's hump

Eat steak, eat steak eat a big ol' steer
Eat steak, eat steak do we have one dear?
Eat beef, eat beef it's a mighty good food
It's a grade A meal when I'm in the mood

Eat a cow, eat a cow 'cuase it's good for you
Eat a cow, eat a cow it's the thing that goes "Mooooo"

WHAT IS 100%

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, you can then conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and Ass Kissing will put you over the top.

Muuuuuaaaahahah! Have a wonderful Friday, peeps!

October 12, 2004

Healing, Withdrawl & The Wonder of a Child's Mind

It's been a looong weekend.

What was to be a weekend filled with fun and Ren Faire glee went to hell in a handbasket when my little man came down with a nasty bug. We had a great day geocaching on Saturday, but Sunday it was apparent that he wasn't right. He was kind of moping around, not very energetic, and wanted to take a nap after lunch which is NOT like him. When he woke up, he was hot with fever.

So the rest of my weekend (and Monday) was spent with a clinging, needy, sick child. I love the fact that he is so snuggly when he is sick, but he doesn't want to let me out of his sight, which is frustrating.

During the times when ibuprofen had relieved his symptoms, however, we had a lot of fun. He has such a vivid imagination! We played with is pirate ship and accessories, played hide and seek and watched his batman movie entirely too many times.

This is me at approximately age 4. It was taken by my grandmother and I found it this weekend as I pawed through a huge box of keepsakes I got when she passed away. I would expect that it was taken on one of my extended visits. I would go and spend weeks at a time at her house when I was a child. Those are some of my most cherished memories, though I don't recall the story behind this picture. In the little bucket that I am holding, there is something that appears to be moss. I had obviously been digging as my face is quite grubby. I wonder what was up with the moss in the bucket. I wonder why I was wrinking up my chin like that.

It is astounding to me how much this picture looks like my son.

Pod Update
Pod is healing up nicely. He looks more like someone beat him up than having fallen down the stairs. (See a couple of posts down if you're asking yourself "who is Pod?")

You can see, in the first frame, the injuries from the first tumble. Note the top of his head - I think that is where he landed. In the second frame are injuries from the second dive. I'm pretty sure he landed on his ear that time, and you can see from the third frame that his ear didn't fare too well. He damn near ripped his ear off and broke the bottom stair in the process. I am happy to report that he hasn't set another foot on the porch and, as far as I know, has been sober since.

Scat, You Nasty Monkey!
Due to my son's illness and spank man's sabotage of my computer, I have been without internet for nearly 4 days. Yes, I will admit there was a bit of withdrawl going on. However, that is not the only Monkey I've been fighting with...

I'm not getting any younger (or thinner) so I decided it's time to see about trying to rediscover sveltie Celti. I started the South Beach Diet yesterday. It basically detoxes your body and then "retrains" it on how to process carbs correctly. For the first two weeks, I am to have as few carbs as possible...little to none is ideal. This means no bread, no rice, no pasta, no potatoes, no corn, no sugar, and no fruit. I thought this would be no sweat. The book talks about the cravings you will have - nah, not me! I love fresh veggies and cheese - I'll do fine. I have been eating veggies, cheese stuffed celery, beef jerky, string cheese...

All was going quite well until a trip to the grocery store yesterday. John and I went to get meat to smoke more jerky. We were walking along talking when all of the sudden I stop and look around. I was surrounded by pop tarts, granola bars, Little Debbie snacks and cereal! I squealed "get me out this aisle!" and ran. He was laughing his ass off! It was like all of those carb filled goodies were closing in on me. Yipes!

Since then, I have been craving like crazy. I want sugar, bread, baked goods. I had no idea how hooked I was on this crap. The book says the craving only lasts a few days and it's been nearly 48 hours now. My, what a test of will-power this has been! Wish me luck, people, I'm going to need it!

Anyone for some beef jerky?

October 07, 2004

Pod Person Head Over Heels


My neighbor is quite a character. His name is Podreberac but he goes by "pod". He is a Vietnam vet. I've talked about Pod before, but have to tell you about last night.

Pod got pretty trashed last night. You see, he and John (yeah, he's still there) thought it would be a good idea to tandem dive to the bottom of a bottle of rum. He hung out on our porch, as he often does, enjoying the conversation and friendly atmosphere that he can't find at home.

Derrick and I went to the video rental place to pick up some fresh flicks, Chris was jamming to some CCR and Pod was alone on the porch. Chris heard someone yelling for help, so he went outside to find Pod at the bottom of the stairs, trying to get up. He asked "did you fall down the stairs" and Pod replied "yeah, where the hell are my glasses?" John came to the rescue with a flashlight and they found his glasses, hauled him back up on the porch and sat him down.

When D and I got home, I heard Chris saying something about the nurse being a blonde. Huh? I was informed that Pod had had a great fall down the porch stairs. I went out to check him out and he had, indeed - Pod fell down and broke his crown. He had blood running down his face out from under his ball cap (Navy, of course). I asked him to come inside so I could see to patch him up. He insisted he wasn't hurt. After a considerable amount of coaxing and him refusing, I pointed out to him that he must have hit his head hard if he is passing up on a chance to have me dote over him. That got him moving. You see...Pod has a big crush on me and doesn't hide it.

He came into the kitchen and proceeded to miss the chair and land on the floor. Dear Lord. I picked him up, put him in the chair, removed his hat and assessed the damage. Yep, crashed and burned. He had abrasions high on his forehead with a gash, nasty abrasions on his cheek with a gash and an ugly gash in his eyebrow. I gathered up my supplies and went to work.

As I cleaned his wounds (removing a rock or two) with peroxide, he kept insisting that he wasn't hurt - seriously reminded of the Monty Python episode where the chap keeps insisting "it's just a flesh wound!" while limbs were being hacked off. Cement and skin just don't go together very well. He wasn't a very cooperative patient - kept looking at me instead of at the light where I needed him to look, kept trying to hug me, and kept dropping f-bombs (not allowed in my house - little ears!).

"Celti, I'm not hurt! Don't worry about me!" (It's just a flesh wound...)
"yes, you are...see the blood?" - show him blood on tissue
"did I really hurt myself?"
"Yes. Look at the light!"
"I need my fuckin' glasses"
"Hey, watch the f-bombs, look at the light!"
"you're so sweet"
"Stop hugging me!"
"I'm not hurt"
"awww, fuck"
"Dangit, watch the f-bombs!"
Jab "Did that hurt"
"Dang, you aren't feeling any pain, are you?"
"stop trying to hug me."
"I don't need bandages"
"Yes, you do. Hold still and look at the light"
"You're too good to me. I need a hug."
"Look at the light, damn it! I'll give you a hug when I'm done, okay?"
"Cool. Johnny, did I really hurt myself?"
"Yes, dude, you crashed and burned, man."
"Pod, one more f-bomb and I'm going to kick your ass when I get done patching you up!"

I applied triple-antibiotic ointment and got him all patched up - had to use bandaids to stick the gauze pads on because I couldn't find the tape. Chris suggested duct tape, but I though better of it - not that Pod would care. I put his glasses and his hat back on, and gave him a great big hug.

"I'm sorry that you got hurt, Pod"
"I'm not hurt."

I bet he was a hurtin' unit this morning.


I have a picture of Pod somewhere...can't find it, though. I'll take some pictures of his banged-up melon tonight and post them tomorrow.


Sorry folks, no pictures of the banged-up melon as I arrived home about 20 minutes too late.

Pod came over again yesterday as soon as Chris got home. He was already schnockered and said that he had been drinking all day. I have noticed that Pod has seemed a little unstable lately - a little less sure on his feet and wobbly. I think maybe his meds are out of whack or something.

So, even though he was told that he was now banned from the front porch, that's where he landed when he came over yesterday. You see, my porch is 6' off the ground, about 7 or 8 steps down to a plateau and then there are about 20 more steps to the street. Our front yard is, esentially, a big hill with terraces and stairs.

Very soon after his arrival, a neighbor came by on the sidewalk and stopped to say Hi to the porch-sitters, a common thing. Pod rose from his chair to greet him, and proceeded to, again, take a header down the stairs. This time, however, it was much worse - he took a large planter with him (oy! my plants!) and broke the bottom stair on his way down, completely knocking himself out!

HOLY SHIT! Chris, John, the neighbors, everyone saw it happen. He was out cold, bleeding from various new wounds and Chris said he thought he was dead. All the kings men could not put Pod back together again, so 911 was called. I arrived home to find an ambulance, a fire truck, and a police car completely blocking off the street in front of my house and a crowd at the top of the stairs.

I had to park in the neighbor's driveway, and came up the stairs to see the paramedics surrounding Pod, who was sitting on the stairs dazed and bleeding. "Pod, I told you to stay off the front porch, especially when you've been drinking!" The cop looked at me, confused, and I said "Hi, I live here."

The paramedics determined that he was ok, although quite inebriated, but he did need stitches in his ear. They helped him down the stairs and into the ambulance and took him away to get stitches. He didn't call for a ride home, so we are hoping that they put him in treatment or at least detox.

Oy Vey!

October 06, 2004

RIP Rodney Dangerfield

Comic legend Rodney Dangerfield has died.

His publicist says Dangerfield died at a Los Angeles hospital Tuesday. He had been in the hospital since an Aug. 25 operation to replace a heart valve.

After the surgery six weeks agao, Dangerfield had a small stroke and developed an infection along with abdominal complications -- and slipped into a coma. But in the past week he had emerged from the coma. His wife, Joan, said, "When Rodney emerged, he kissed me, squeezed my hand and smiled for his doctors."

Dangerfield rose to stardom in clubs, television and movies with his self-deprecating humor. He made his famous lament "I don't get no respect" a catchphrase.

I respect you, Rodney. Rest in peace.

October 04, 2004

Autumnal Musings

I love Autumn. It is, by far, my favorite season.

I love the way that you can put on a big fat sweater or sweatshirt and jeans and run around outside and not die of heat exhaustion. Bring on the football! Let's jump in some piles of leaves, cover ourselves up and just be silly!

I love how mother nature takes out her palette and paints the world such wonderful colors. As we tromped through the forest this past weekend on a geocaching adventure, my son commented on the beautiful colors and we named them - purple, pink, orange, yellow, brown, green and red.

I love the crisp air. It is so awesome how you can take a deep, full breath and have it feel like menthol, opening up your lungs.

Autumn is such a fun time - a time of anticipation. It starts with the relief from the nasty summer heat which quickly leads to my baby's birthday. He'll be 4 this year. My baby isn't a baby any more (but he'll always be MY baby). He was born on beggars night and came home on Halloween - our little pumpkin. Then, we get Halloween, of course, then Thanksgiving and then Christmas - fun, fun, fun.

Mother nature uses this special time to prepare for winter's slumber. I can feel the subdued excitement in the air just like how I feel when I've had a long, full, rewarding day and now I am so tired - I know that, very soon, I will be able to snuggle up under the wonderful quilts grandma lovingly made and go to sleep.

Sweet Dreams!

October 01, 2004


I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache

I am fucking driving myself crazy. I don't think I can live like this any more. I have no control over my home life and I refuse to continue to allow these assholes to take advantage of me.

But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on...

I am not their fucking maid. I refuse to allow my child to live in a pig-sty, so I am forced to clean up their shit. I do it for him and for me. I seriously want to just take Derrick and leave, but the only place I have to go is his mother's house. He knows that's where I would be - where else? I can't go to my parents' place because it's too far and I can't sacrifice my job. And, of course, I would have to explain what is going on...

I have screamed until my veins collapsed
I've waited as my time's elapsed
Now, All I do is live with so much hate

I feel so trapped. What the hell happened to the wonderful man I met 10 years ago? It's almost like aliens abducted him and replaced him with this drinking, smoking, selfish shell of a man.

I've wished for this, I've bitched at that
I've left behind this little fact:
You cannot kill what you did not create

I feel betrayed. It's like he couldn't keep a promise he makes to me if he tried. I am so tired of being constantly disappointed. He is the father of my child, so it isn't right to take Derrick away and start over. I can't do that to Derrick. He loves his daddy and it would break his heart if I took him away.

I've gotta say what I've gotta say
And then I swear I'll go away
But I can't promise you'll enjoy the noise

He acts like he's listening when I try to talk about our problems, but it's like he forgets 10 minutes later. Things have gotten so far out of control, that I am not sure talking about it is even worth the breath now. He thinks all I am doing is bitching or he turns it around on himself and just says that it's because he sucks and isn't worthy of me. Damn it, that isn't what I want to hear! BE worth it! Live up to it! Fuck, if I didn't think you could do it I wouldn't still be here!

I guess I'll save the best for last
My future seems like one big past
You're left with me 'cause you left me no choice

Fuck, I don't know what to do. It's my house, god damn it. I can't even buy ingredients for a meal a few days ahead of time - I go to make the meal and half of the shit I bought to make it is gone. I buy granola bars and fruit for Derrick, and Derrick doesn't get any. There is no peace.

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!

The first thing I need to do is kick John the hell out. Maybe, if he left, Chris would start "behaving himself" again when not surrounded by his bad influence. After all, he is the one that brings the booze into the house. He says that having John there stresses him out, and he doesn't handle stress well at all. With that source of stress eliminated, we can work on the other issues and the mountain won't seem so insurmountable.

Put me back together
or separate the skin from bone
Leave me all the Pieces, then you can leave me alone
Tell me the reality is better than the dream
But I found out the hard way,
Nothing is what it seems!

It all boils down to the fact that things have got to change. It needs to happen quickly or I won't be able to maintain the shreds of sanity that I have left. Run or stay? Crumble or continue to stand up and fight although it hurts so bad that it has made me physically ill?

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it pushed it's way inside
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!


Sad, Scary World

The offices of the Des Moines Register were shut down today because of a suspicious package that was opened in their mail room. I have heard conflicting information regarding it's contents - a white powder, a brown substance. Employees have been quaranteened, there are men in Hazmat suits, National Guard, Police, Firefighters, Secret Service and FBI agents everywhere.

Mount St. Helens in Washington State is erupting.

Richard Avedon passed away today.

RIP Richard.