Duality

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache

I am fucking driving myself crazy. I don't think I can live like this any more. I have no control over my home life and I refuse to continue to allow these assholes to take advantage of me.

But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on...

I am not their fucking maid. I refuse to allow my child to live in a pig-sty, so I am forced to clean up their shit. I do it for him and for me. I seriously want to just take Derrick and leave, but the only place I have to go is his mother's house. He knows that's where I would be - where else? I can't go to my parents' place because it's too far and I can't sacrifice my job. And, of course, I would have to explain what is going on...

I have screamed until my veins collapsed
I've waited as my time's elapsed
Now, All I do is live with so much hate

I feel so trapped. What the hell happened to the wonderful man I met 10 years ago? It's almost like aliens abducted him and replaced him with this drinking, smoking, selfish shell of a man.

I've wished for this, I've bitched at that
I've left behind this little fact:
You cannot kill what you did not create

I feel betrayed. It's like he couldn't keep a promise he makes to me if he tried. I am so tired of being constantly disappointed. He is the father of my child, so it isn't right to take Derrick away and start over. I can't do that to Derrick. He loves his daddy and it would break his heart if I took him away.

I've gotta say what I've gotta say
And then I swear I'll go away
But I can't promise you'll enjoy the noise

He acts like he's listening when I try to talk about our problems, but it's like he forgets 10 minutes later. Things have gotten so far out of control, that I am not sure talking about it is even worth the breath now. He thinks all I am doing is bitching or he turns it around on himself and just says that it's because he sucks and isn't worthy of me. Damn it, that isn't what I want to hear! BE worth it! Live up to it! Fuck, if I didn't think you could do it I wouldn't still be here!

I guess I'll save the best for last
My future seems like one big past
You're left with me 'cause you left me no choice

Fuck, I don't know what to do. It's my house, god damn it. I can't even buy ingredients for a meal a few days ahead of time - I go to make the meal and half of the shit I bought to make it is gone. I buy granola bars and fruit for Derrick, and Derrick doesn't get any. There is no peace.

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!

The first thing I need to do is kick John the hell out. Maybe, if he left, Chris would start "behaving himself" again when not surrounded by his bad influence. After all, he is the one that brings the booze into the house. He says that having John there stresses him out, and he doesn't handle stress well at all. With that source of stress eliminated, we can work on the other issues and the mountain won't seem so insurmountable.

Put me back together
or separate the skin from bone
Leave me all the Pieces, then you can leave me alone
Tell me the reality is better than the dream
But I found out the hard way,
Nothing is what it seems!

It all boils down to the fact that things have got to change. It needs to happen quickly or I won't be able to maintain the shreds of sanity that I have left. Run or stay? Crumble or continue to stand up and fight although it hurts so bad that it has made me physically ill?

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it pushed it's way inside
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!