This place is a dusty but well loved old home.

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Celti. She was a creative sort, and loved life but she was a mess. She was stuck in a dead-end job and a marriage that had lost it's purpose years ago. You know how sometimes people stay in a marriage because they think it's what best for their child(ren)? That's where she was, but it became increasingly apparent that this was NOT actually what was best - for anyone involved. She got stuck in a never-ending cycle of bitterness, regrets, and resentment fueled by abandonment, alcoholism, drug use and general mismanagement of life that left her lost, aimless and miserable. She did what she had to - what she needed to do to protect and care for her child, the best she could at the time, but she was so very lost.

Yeah, ok...this person is me so enough with the third person crap.

What I'm trying to say, actually, is that I'm a very different person these days. Five years ago I was at my top weight and in horrible physical shape (85 pounds heavier than I am now and so unhealthy), and drinking heavily. I felt the need/urge to drink to "kill my give a shit" if you will because life was otherwise too painful. I tried to hide my self-medicating from those I love...like my parents and all of my friends -online and otherwise, but I really don't know how well I managed to do that. It had to be more obvious than I wanted to admit to myself - that or everyone simply thought me unstable and sloppily careless. For the careless things I said and did, for the dreadful behavior I submitted some of them to, I am truly sorry. The best I can say for myself is that I was lost.

So a series of things happened that forced me to turn myself around. My ex husband, after what seemed like years of threatening to leave me, finally understood that I actually wanted him to go, and that his efforts to get me to "treat him right" when he simply refused to treat me right were for naught. You see, the house was mine, bought long before we were married, and the only home my son has ever known and I had no intention of leaving. He did, and it was like someone opened up the windows and let the sunshine and a fresh breeze in. A giant weight lifted off my shoulders that day. Oh sure - I grieved. I grieved for the loss of my marriage, for the realization that I was truly and officially alone, for the lost years, but that didn't last long. I had been set free to find myself again and to teach my broken wings to fly again (at the risk of sounding cliche). This forced me to get up off of my ass and take control of things - to start cleaning up and to get my finances straight as I was now the sole bread-winner, and everything was up to me at that point.

Not long after he left, I realized that the drinking wasn't really necessary any more...my desire to drown my sorrows lessened as they became lighter and I eventually stopped altogether. This was no small feat, mind you, as I had been drinking between 1/2 of a fifth to a fifth of vodka per day. I never drank during work hours or anything like that - always after getting home from work, and usually wouldn't become actually intoxicated until after my son had gone to bed, but I had already known for a while that I was hurting myself. I gained weight, my kidney's were hurting, my feet and legs swelled something terrible. Before my husband left, I would fall into bed drunk every night after hopefully having successfully avoided an argument with him about why I spent so much time online talking to all of those people instead of him. I was constantly berated for all of my time spent online talking to friends, though they were the only ones that treated me with respect and engaged in intelligent conversation with me, where he would mostly hang out with his drunken friends, smoking and being obnoxious. When I did try to focus on him, he ignored me or left to go "out" leaving me at home with the kid.

I feel bad for all of the time I wasted. I feel bad for my son and the fact that I wasn't a very good mother to him during these times, but he's turned out wonderfully and we are closer than ever. Yes, he is with me, and is as he has always been my rock. I can only ask that he forgive me for the time I spent mentally "checked out" in an effort to protect myself from the pain. Some day we will talk about it all and I am sure he will understand. As far as I know, he didn't really even think anything was all that wrong. He was bewildered when his dad and I broke up, and didn't seem to think that things were that bad - probably because we padded most of it and kept him out of the arguments, most of the nastiness going on late at night while he slept. He remembers the mornings that I woke up with eyes swollen from crying, but I never really explained why for fear it would make him think less of his dad.

So my husband left, claiming he would file for divorce but he never did. He didn't give me one thin dime of support for nearly 2 years after he left, and had gotten himself into a considerable amount of financial trouble, so I finally filed and paid for the whole thing. The child support isn't very much, and I'm sure I could get more if I pushed for it, but I don't want to be a jerk. It does help and I'd made it through with much less. I've behaved throughout this whole thing in such a manner that he and I could stay friends and work together in a friendly manner so that it served my son's best interest. Keeping things amicable and positive between his father and I is one of the best gifts I could and can give to my son.

It wasn't easy. The house was in horrible shape when he left. My parents stepped up and helped me clean it up and fix it up. Slowly we worked on all the issues - a new back door that's secure (rather than hanging on one hinge with broken glass/wood nailed over it and a giant gap at the bottom), fixed the roof and gutters, a few new windows, paint, fixed the front porch that was collapsing, fixed the front walls that were collapsing. It was all somewhat symbolic in nature...we worked to fix my house while I fixed my heart and my mind at the same time. Our relationship, my parents' and I, is back to what it should be. They said it feels like they got their daughter back. I never even realized I had been hiding from them in my shame and misery. They have been a blessing beyond compare.

Shortly after my husband left, I lost my job. I was squeezed out by a manager that decided his cocktail waitress friend should have my job, so they shoved me into another vacancy to clean up the mess left by a lady who had retired while I trained my replacement and then my position was eliminated. Slick, but at this point I feel like I should thank them...thank them for getting me the hell out of there. I was going nowhere in that company, and changes they had made to the management had taken it from a wonderful place to work, to a hell hole where nothing you could do was good enough. Recent events, however, had crammed me down in the dirt far enough that I would have never picked myself up and made changes had they not shoved me out the door. My nephew had committed suicide, my car was totaled by an unlicensed/uninsured driver, my husband had left me with no support, just to name a few of the bricks on my back. I was lower than low, so their low blow struck me in just the right spot.

Just like the resilient tend to do, I picked myself up, brushed myself off, and got busy on the repairs. Not just the house, but my whole life. I got a new job - one that has blossomed into a fantastic career, and I've been promoted 4 times in the 4 years I've been here. I love my job now. I stopped drinking and self-medicating, got my house fixed up, traded in my old 97 Cavalier for a new car - yes, a BRAND NEW car. I never thought I would ever have one that was new, but I did. I drove my new 2014 Hyundai Elantra GT off the lot with 16 miles on it. What a feeling! I've lost 85 pounds, started doing art again, rekindled a social life and, last but certainly not least, met my wonderful boyfriend. He's the yin to my yang, my heart, my partner, my love Dean and I didn't think it would ever be possible to feel this complete and happy again. My life is beautiful. Sure, there are things that need improving still, but I'm moving forward, making progress and loving every moment of it.

is there anybody out there?

wow....just wow, the date of my last post. wow.

so yeah, I'm not dead.

So much has changed. I'm single now...well, separated, but may as well be. I don't know what to think of that some times. Other times i feel an overwhelming sense of loss and dread, and yet other times i feel hope for the future and the opportunities.

my boy is going to be 10 this month. I can't believe it. He's growing up so fast and turning out to be a wonderful, fun, caring young man.

my head hurts, so i'll stop for now. I've been feeling inspired to write lately, so i'm thinking this here blog might get a shot in the arm. We'll see....no promises. I plan on poking around in my list of links to see how y'all are doing. some i know from facebook, others will be a surprise.

Be well all...see you soon. I'll leave you with this link since i'm too tired to embed right now. kisses

this song has a profound effect on me

On a Boat, Bishes

Someone showed me this the other day and it was just too damned funny not to share. I haven't posted in ages (yes, I'm lame) but I am still crusing your blogs. No, really...I am! What? Oh stop it, or I'll beat you with my flippy floppys. lol

Oh...NSFW or small children due to language.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Obama's been president now for three hours...and IT's ON.

*applauds*

Snappy New Year

So...it’s 2009. Thank the powers that be! 2008 was pretty rotten. I've heard so many say that...

I drank entirely too much, I gained weight, I got a new boss who's an asshole, I blew off far too many things, I was ridiculously broke... so, I'm cranky but hopeful.

SO...be forewarned: ranting ahead.


Things that Annoyed the Shit out of me in 2008:
(I'll probably keep adding to this as I think of more annoying things, so stay tuned)


Shoes laying in the road – Where is the other one? What happened to the person? Why? Of course, this has ALWAYS disturbed me.

Toilet stalls that make you have to straddle the toilet to get the door open/closed. Try that in a pencil skirt, assholes.

Pantyhose... 'nuf said.

The asshole with no license or insurance who rear-ended me and totaled my car. ...and the apathetic cop who wrote him up for no license and ignored the bag of pot he dropped behind his car even when someone showed it to him.

Windshield wiper motors that burn out as soon as the snow starts melting.

Pants made for women by people who think they have no curves…if it fits the hips and butt, it's huge in the waist. Gah

The idiot new supervisor who insists I sit facing a wall so that he can peek over my shoulder to see what I'm doing. I HATE facing walls. I am going to put a big picture of a hand flipping the bird on my screen saver for him. Have I ever missed a deadline? Blown anything off? Ever produced anything that was less than top quality? NO. Piss off, asshole.

The fact that I've morphed my anxiety and discontent somehow into apathy and laziness. Not that the anxiety wasn't unpleasant enough...

Homework...slews of homework in second grade. It's just wrong.

Driving my car directly into a tornado. Well...actually that wasn't so annoying...it scared the living shit out of me.

Not getting paid for two holidays at Thanksgiving because I got snowed in out in Colorado and refused to spend 36 hours risking my life to drive home in a blizzard. (which is how long it would have taken...)

Being ridiculously broke.

*sigh*

You know…there always has to be a yin to the yang... there were SOME good things:

My wonderful parents who paid for my son's bday party, saving the day for my broke ass.

My wonderful parent who gave me a car after asshole referenced above totaled mine...yes, it's a putt putt but it gets me there.

My son...because he is an awesome kid, and my rock, and my light, and probably the main reason that I'm not incarcerated or dead at this point. Oy, the naiveté and destructiveness of youth.

Obama... 'nuf said

All my rockin' friends on Second Life. They are THE best, I tell you.

Better financial planning for this year, starting before the year even started.

Having enough common sense to know that it's time to stop drinking and get my shit together. Wish me luck, people...the 3-6 of you that still come here, that is. Celti still lurves you.

When On-Line Friends Disappear

I've been active on-line (blogging, chatrooms, Second Life, etc.) for years. I've developed a lot of wonderful friendships via the internet over the years...several people I care about deeply. We all, however, tend to keep an anonimity in tact with those relationships...know first name but not last, state but not city, etc. It's for safeties sake...don't want someone we don't really know going stalker or psycho on us.

Those that I am REALLY close to, I have phone numbers and such for...just in case one of us drops offline we can check up on each other, not to mention chat now and then. Those I don't have contact information for, however...it worries me some times. What if they were to disappear...never login again, not answer e-mails...the worry and wondering would be frustrating at best. I've had this happen before, but they eventually showed back up somehow, much to my relief.

I've a situation with one such friend. Well, I actually have this person's phone number, but the last I talked to him, he wasn't living at that house any more. This dear man, an intelligent, funny, soft-hearted person, is bi-polar and has suffered from horrible bouts of depression and other suffering. The last I talked to him, he had been in the hospital, and things had gone terribly wrong with his wife so he had moved out. He was miserable...missing his children, missing her, just completely miserable and so very down. There's only so much you can do from 2000 miles away...*sigh*

Well, I haven't heard from him now for months. Honestly, I'm worried sick. He's had a history of attempting suicide and I'm scared to death that he's done it. I want to call that number I have and check on him, but I know I would get his wife... I guess you can say I'm scared to call...scared of what I'll find out. I've e-mailed several times with no response...which is not like him. Sometimes they're slow in coming, but he always respond.

If I didn't have a phone number, I'd be completely clueless and helpless. But I have a number...I'm going to call soon...I just can't stand it any more.

Update 10/8/08: HE'S OK :) *breathes sigh of relief*

Hold on to Your Ass, Toto!

oh boy...wow, I've really not posted for like...forever. I'm still around, and have been poking my nose into your blogs though I've been rather quiet.

It's been a crazy Spring and early Summer here...tons of storms. I know many have heard about the monsterous F5 tornado that wiped out a whole town near here...but there have been many more of those twisters around...many more than usual.

Well, the night before last, I met one face to face. We had dropped D off at his grandma and grandpas as he's spending the week camping with them and was heading home. We could see a nasty storm coming in but thought we'd get out of there in time...hahaha. WRONG.

As I drove north, it started raining. Then it rained harder. Then it started raining sideways, so hard that I could barely see 5 feet in front of the car. The wind was blowing hard and I was having a terrible time staying on the road. As we approached an intersection where I could go right to my parents' place or left to go home, suddenly construction signs and those big orange barrels started flying across the highway. I turned right and opted to return to my parents' house. When I got there, after 10-15 minutes of white-knuckled struggle to stay on the road, I found them in their basement with the weather radio blaring tornado warnings...the twister had just passed over the spot where I was.

I knew it was a tornado, but never saw the funnel as there was just too much rain. Talk about an adrenalin rush, though...woo! I think there are still fingernail marks in my steering wheel.

So now, we get to deal with the floods...they're closing the down town bridges tonight. Just help me pray we don't lose power and water again. Now, THAT sucked.

Yes, We Can

It's a Cyber-Cat's Life

Many of you that come here or have been coming here know that I've been spending most of my on-line time playing Second Life. It's an amazing on-line world, and there are many games inside the game. Well, recently, I've tried something new in there and have found it very entertaining.

The world of Gor, based on the novels of John Norman, has a huge presence in Second Life. It is a somewhat primitive world, involving an alternate planet where men are very dominant and many women live as slaves. See the link for a lot more details if you're curious...it's rather complicated actually.

Quite a while back, a friend was telling me about her involvement in Gor in the role of a panther. Panthers are, in a nutshell, outlaws and escaped slaves - female warriors who live in tribes in the woods and jungles. Very protective of their own and dedicated to their tribes, they are fierce fighters. The world of Gor in Second Life relying on role playing to weave the intricate stories of each person's life there, panthers spend most of their days defending their territory and their "sisters" from invasions from unfriendly tribal rivals and Gorean men looking for slaves. Most of the fighting is done with bows and arrows (and very realistic, I might mention) but some hand-to-hand combat with spears and daggers comes into play as well.

I was initiated into my friends tribe along with my closest friend a few weeks ago. Yes...I am now a panther. We get captured now and then and it is up to us to find a way to escape or our sisters organize a rescue party to come get us. If we are victorious in battle, our captives are usually traded for goods or for a captive sister that the enemy may have. Sometimes, however, they are kept as slaves of the tribe and, now and then, they can even be killed. It's an exciting and some times savage world full of great fun and adventure.


Panther Celti :)

Last night, I kicked a Gorean pig's butt, tied him up and traded him for two bars of chocolate. whoochacha!

Merry Christmas

I'm off this afternoon to try to finish my shopping for Christmas gifts. Yes yes, I know...at least I won't have to fight the weekend crowds of procrastinators this weekend. Hope you all have a peaceful, happy holiday. xoxo

Have I lost it? Why YES!

*grin*

Is spring here yet? Shit. Guess not.


"Elaine - Enjoying a Few Drinks and a Traditional Mustard Easter Cigar with Bathing Easterish Ponies, Hello Kitty Heads and a Ton of Headache Inducing Marshmellow Fuckwads" by Merkley

My sidebar is borked. So is my header. Jeebus, even my profile image is. I have to get my butt in gear and fix all this stuff...or not. Damn, I'm lazy.

Yeah...I hotlinked. Bad girl! *swats self in the butt* If someone yells, I'll fix it but I'm to feckin' lazy to do it without being yelled at. lol

My dad told me that "the Golden Compass" is evil because it's an athiest movie. huh? O.o

Just in case you wondered, 'tater tots are evil. pure.evil. yes.

I used to be apathetic but now I just don't care.
*laughs*

bwaaahahah

not the ride on anyone's shirt tail, but I also don't want to make a liar out of myself *points down at last post*.

I'm too busy giggling and guffawing at this, however...

Go look and laugh with me.

Happy Friday!

Revival

Hey! Hi there. How the hell are ya?

For those of you that still pop in to check on me these days (all what...2 of you?), apologies for my absence. It's true that I am still spending the majority of my on-line time in Second Life. I have a ton of cool friends there, a job doing security in a club, I build, dance...blah blah. You don't wanna hear about all that, I know.

Yesterday I was looking for a particular picture that I knew I had posted in my blog. As I combed through my archives, it occurred to me that I really do miss this creative outlet. It might take me a bit to get back into it, but I think I'm going to try to start posting regularly again.

Ahh, it's good to be back. Now to make the rounds and see how many links over here are outdated/dead. *sigh*

'Round and 'Round We Go

7/7/7

Made of Pain

A woman is not made of flesh, bone and sinew
belly and breasts, elbows and liver and toe.
She is manufactured like a sports sedan.
She is retooled, refitted and redesigned
every decade.

Cecile had been seduction itself in college.
She wriggled through bars like a satin eel,
her hips and ass promising, her mouth pursed
in the dark red lipstick of desire.

She visited years later still wearing dark red lipstick,
and danced through Manhattan in mini skirt,
hair loose as a horse's mane.
Oh dear, whatever has happened to poor Cecile?
She was out of fashion, out of the game,
disqualified, disdained, dismembered from the club of desire.

Look at pictures in French fashion magazines of the 18th century:
Century of the Ultimate Lady
a fantasy wrought of silk and corseting.
Paniers bring her hips out three feet
each way, while the waist is pinched
and the belly flattened under wood.
The breasts are stuffed up and out
offered like apples in a bowl.
The tiny foot is encased in a slipper
never meant for walking.
On top is a grandiose headache:
hair like a museum piece, daily ornamented with ribbons,
vases, grottoes, mountains, frigates in full sail,
balloons, baboons, the fancy of a hairdresser turned loose.
The hats were rococo wedding cakes
that would dim the Las Vegas strip.
Here is a woman forced into shape
rigid exoskeleton torturing flesh:
a woman made of pain.

How superior we are now: see the modern woman
thin as a blade of scissors.
She runs on a treadmill every morning,
fits herself into machines of weights
and pulleys to heave and grunt,
an image in her mind she can never approximate,
a body of rosy glass that never wrinkles,
never grows, never fades.
She sits at the table closing her eyes to food
hungry, always hungry:
a woman made of pain.

A cat or dog approaches another,
they sniff noses. They sniff asses.
They bristle or lick.
They fall in love as often as we do,
as passionately.
But they fall in love or lust with furry flesh,
not hoop skirts or push up bras,
rib removal or liposuction.
It is not for male or female dogs
that poodles are clipped like topiary hedges.

If only we could like each other raw.
If only we could love ourselves
like healthy babies burbling in our arms.
If only we were not programmed and reprogrammed
to need what is sold us.
Why should we want to live inside ads?
Why should we want to scourge our softness
to straight lines like a Mondrian painting?
Why should we punish each other with scorn
as if to have a large ass were worse than being greedy or mean?

When will women not be compelled
to view their bodies as science projects,
gardens to be weeded, dogs to be trained?
When women cease to be made of pain?

Happy Easter

ACK O.o

Damn, I overdid it last night. I'm told by my partner in crime, a girl I've been friends with since we were four years old, that we now have a Friday night tradition. That would be going to Hugh's Jungle Room and dancing, drinking and doing karaoke. Yes, that's right - Celti got up on stage and sang. EEP!

I had not performed in public since college musicals. Although I know I sound freaking awesome when singing in my car to the radio (lol), I wasn't so sure about this. Turns out I did ok...got a few compliments from strangers, so it couldn't have been half bad. I sang "strong enough" by Cheryl Crow. :)

Anyway, they have this signature drink there named a Texas (something quite rude that rhymes with agate) and whoo, boy. It's a powerful concoction. I only had three last night and man, was I blasted. This morning, I was most certainly green around the gills. ack.

I won't share my views on my musical performance of last night. Let's just say ack again. lol Anyway, I'll beware of the drinks, and will be sure to pick out more songs that suit my range and attitude like Cheryl. :)

My friend, I'll call her Neece, is a freaking hoot. In the 30+ years we've been friends, we've never fought, never had a falling out at all. We tend to go for periods where we don't see each other much, then we fall right back in just as if we talked yesterday. She is a priceless gem.

Ahhh, fun times...

My Goodness, Yes

...I'm still alive. I'm ok. I'm keeping on keepin' on. I have plans. I'm moving forward. Life is good and bad and confusing and amazing. That's really about all I can tell you. ...well, except for I love you for continuing to care about what's up. LJ post coming soon, methinks. *smooches*

Bad to the Bone

Hello! Yes, yes, I am alive and well...I've just been a bit swept away from the blogger world, that's all. I've been bad and I apologize for seemingly abandoning this, my home on the internet.

Honestly...it's Second Life. Really. It's pretty much all I do while on-line now-a-days. I dance in a club there, have a place of my own, have tons of wonderful friends and am even working on starting my own business. I'm learning to build things, and reception to them has been great, so I'm looking into selling them. There are people who actually make a living running their own business in Second Life, peeps! I'm not kidding. Find something that's in demand, word gets out and you've got it. It's no joke really...Second Life is growing like a field of weeds.

...a few stats for you:
Total Second Life Residents: 2,594,214
Online Now: 21,499
US$ Spent Last 24hours: $849,397

That's 24 hours. Nearly a million in 24 hours. There are days that I've seen it to be over a million. Unfortunately, they are a private company right now, so no stock available, but you can bet I'll be buying some if they go public. Wooo ha!

I've actually considered starting a Second Life blog. I think I would call it "Avies Behaving Badly". *grins* There are tons of them...go look. It's just that there are so many crazy things that go on, so many tangled up relationships and scenarios. It really would be a scream. I've explored the world of being a neko(part cat, part human), have gotten to know the social and feeding habits of shemales, befriended furries and demons...it's freaking amazing. Oh...and I'm a dominatrix in training! :p

Sooo...how are you? lol