April 12, 2006

Scream Stifled by a Sigh

Perhaps emotional mind dump might have been a better title.

Man, it seems like nothing can ever go right for me. It's been one hell of a week and it's only half over.

Got our tax papers together to discover that we've been screwed over royally from one of the companies that Chris subcontracted under so that it looks like we're responsible for all of the taxes on the money paid to all of his subs plus more. What tops it off nicely is that he didn't make JACK during this time - we couldn't even pay our bills & now have a loan payment due to that. Hopefully, with all of the business expenses and pay outs, it will even out and we won't owe. I don't see how we could owe since we didn't make diddly squat. Cross your fingers for us, eh? I have no idea how we're ever going to get caught up as it is.

A few days ago was the anniversary of the death of a dear friend and we're coming up quickly on the anniversary of the death of the best dog we've ever had, not to mention my cat who died on the same day a few years prior. We just buried my friend Heidi last month as well as the mother of a good friend. The receptionist from my work died a week ago. Who's going to die next? My birthday is this weekend and we're so broke it's not even funny. Oh well...I don't feel like celebrating anyway.

I've been drinking like a fish lately which is making matters worse because I think it's affecting how my medication is (or shall I say isn't?) working. The stress is horrendous and what seemed like a brief respite is turning around and biting me in the ass. I feel like screaming and crawling under the biggest rock I can find and never coming out.

I just had to get some of this out of my head and into words in an effort to release a little of it. If it weren't for my sweet D-man, I probably would have jumped off a bridge by now. We'd better get a break some time soon as I honestly don't think I can take much more. It's a damn good thing I have valium.

I just pulled a yes/no from the tarot on all of this - if this shit storm is going to stop and the two past cards (the Empress inverted (anxiety, procrastination and fear of poverty) and the chariot inverted (feelings of being overwhelmed and out of control)) and present (the fool) ones certainly are dead on. I hope the future ones are right - The Star (good fortune, optimism, the beginning of a new phase that promises great rewards) and the Emperor (strength, power and success). Although I do not let the cards make decisions for me or guide my life, as many times as I have consulted them, I have yet to have a reading that was wrong.

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