m Celtic Cross Celtic Cross - Average Everyday Sane Psycho Supergoddess

May 19, 2004

Why am I Doing This?

What is the purpose of this blog? Why do I come here and spew out little bits of my soul? I guess it's in the hopes of finding someone who is interested...someone who cares. I am surrounded by people and have never felt so alone.

In college, I had tons of friends. They were there all of the time...I often wanted them to get the hell away from me so I could have some peace! There was only one that I never wanted to go away and he has since left me far behind. The real world after school is harsh and cruel. I have acclimated, but it is amazing that I survived those first few years. There should be a required class in college about the harsh reality of life after you graduate.

My three "best" friends are no longer fitting into that "best" category.

One got crazy-messed-up in methamphetamine and dropped out of life. She got busted, went through jail and treatment (all of which I stood by her side, visited her, brought her things she needed...) and now she is clean. She is no longer my friend because her treatment taught her that she can not associate with any of her old friends. I bump into her at the grocery store - she cries, hugs me, tells me she loves and misses me and then I don't see or hear from her for another year.

The second threw a wonderful party for me to celebrate a milestone in my life and then dropped me like a hot potato. After calling her repeatedly & not reaching her. I e-mailed her to ask her "what's up?" and she replied that she would no longer be my friend because she "decided to change the direction of her life." That direction doesn't include me. Maybe she thought I didn't appreciate the party? I have no idea why and I am still bewildered and lost when I think about it.

The third is still my friend, but I feel more like her stalker than a friend. She always seems happy to see or hear from me, but she never calls or comes by. She works two jobs and has an ill child that takes up much of her time. On the other hand, however, I know she has time for friends because she is often "out with friends" when I call according to her husband. The friendship has become too one-sided and I am finding myself no longer willing to pursue it. This one hurts bad because she's been my friend since we were 4 years old.

I have a few other friends. They work, they have families, and they "don't have time to socialize." The rest are just friendly aquaintances.

Friendships are like house plants - if you don't nurture and care for them, they will die. I feel like that withered, dying house plant. I have called, stopped by, bought cards & birthday gifts because I remembered, commented, e-mailed, invited...nothing comes back in return. I just can't do it any more.

I guess I came here to see if I could make some connections. Some people started visiting and commenting...they don't come any more. Maybe I am just pathetic and boring. Maybe I should have left the comments thing off to avoid the sting of seeing that there are no comments (meaning no one cares). My reach outward is starting to feel like flailing in emptyness.

I won't be calling them any more...at least for a while. Will they even miss me? I doubt it.


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