September 12, 2006

Facing the Music

Isn't it funny how we swallow our fear and let it eat away at our insides? Why do we do that?

Some of you may have noticed that I've been unusually quiet lately - haven't blogged much, have been reading but not commenting much, haven't been responding to comments - just haven't been myself. It's because I've had a lot more than usual on my mind.

Today, I am going to see a surgeon who is a breast specialist. I will have a digital mammogram to determine if I have breast cancer. There are a few "calcifications" I have in one breast that they have been watching the last couple of years with mammograms every six months.

A dear friend of mine just had a mastectomy due to a very agressive form of breast cancer - and hers started exactly the same as what I have going on - calcifications. She recommended that I go see her specialist, and I thought it a good idea as I'm tired of doing what, to me, has effectively been "beating around the bush" with these mammograms. The digitals are supposed to be much more revealing and can catch what's going on earlier, so I'm getting one to get to the bottom of this. I'm tired of wondering what will happen.

I know that these "calcifications" are not that uncommon and that they are normally nothing to be concerned about, but I can't ignore them. The thought of having...well, cancer, frankly scares the shit out of me. My little boy needs me and what if it takes me away from him? I simply cannot stand the thought of not being there to see him grow up.

I tried to call my best friend to see if she would go with me, but she hasn't been answering her phone. I didn't ask Chris to go because I don't want to worry him, have him miss work and I honestly haven't wanted to admit how afraid I am. Stupid, I know.

Aw shit, I can't type this any more or I'm going to make myself cry. I have my giant envelope of films and off I go to determine my fate. The only way I can think of facing it is exactly as I am - head on.

I'm scared, people, but I have to do this. Denial, in a situation like this, can cost you your life.

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