Contemplative today, perhaps from having had too much time to think over the weekend, the lines from the song "fragile" are coursing through my mind.So much to think about.
The human heart, feelings, emotions make us such fragile beings. Many of us are suffering and no one has any idea. The silly, happy-go-lucky guy you see every day at work may be going home at night to drink himself into oblivion, crying as he wallows in despair. You never can tell. Some of us hide behind the walls we build and let no one see our pain. We shut down, we drink, we abuse ourselves, we lash out. Every one of us deals with troubles differently. We have no right to judge anyone until we've walked in their shoes. ...and sometimes that is just not possible.
I hide, too. I withdraw. I don't talk about my darkest moments here. Something about it just makes me feel too vulnerable, and I feel ashamed of my weakness. Some of you have seen my demons and understand. Others have seen them and hate me because of them. Yet others have no clue.
Someone I care about very much nearly killed himself this weekend.
This post is a mess, of this I am aware. It's not really meant to be coherent as I am also painfully aware of the way I'm stumbling over my words and emotions today. I am not in a bad place, just trying to sort through it all and make some sense of it. Bear with me.
I think about how I would have felt had he succeeded. Would I have ever known what happened? Perhaps not. Would I have thought that it was because of something I said that I never heard from him again? Possibly, though I would have had nothing to do with the reason he would have gone away. It's hard, sometimes, to remember what a small part we play in this world and that the majority of things that happen have nothing to do with us personally.
All I know is that had he died and had I been aware of how and why, I would have been crushed.
There are some people I meet that I just feel a connection with - like we're kindred spirits and that we're meant to care for each other. I can't explain it and it amazes me. I know that these characters I've come to care for are made up in my mind of only what I know of them - only what they've shared with me and allowed me to know. There are so many facets to a personality that it seems nearly impossible to completely know someone. As soon as you think you do, they will change.
Sometimes it works out wonderfully and I am rewarded with a wonderful friendship, but other times it doesn't. It hurts when it falls apart, but there is always a lesson to be learned in it. It is a challenge to find it and learn from it.
Someone else I care about very much had a brother kill himself recently.
Someone else I know is going through a very painful divorce.
I wish I could take away their pain, all of them, but I know I can't.
We all have our demons, and we all have our ghosts. Life dishes out plenty of adversity and feelings often get hurt, hearts crushed, hopes dashed, and spirits broken. ...yet we plod on, and keep making ourselves vulnerable because we are searching. We need those connections, those rewarding friendships, those relationships. Without them, we are cold, empty shells.
Although some times there is a big part of me that wants to build the wall to insurmountable, I would much rather take the chance of getting hurt, adding to the scars, than to never again feel the joy, contentment and happiness brought by the love of another. It is so very much worth the risk.
...and I can't allow myself to forget that I must always seek out the lesson.
At the risk of sounding cliche, just remember that you matter and that someone (you may not even know who) cares about you very much.
You would have to be void of any emotion not to care when a friend is hurting....Take care.
ReplyDeleteThat's powerful stuff. My sister-in-law's sister committed suicide so I know the pain it can bring. I've also lost friends and family far too young.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to wanting to take away other's pain. I seem to be drawn to people that are hurting and want to do something to help.
There's so much that needs to be said after reading this post, but it's hard to find the words to express it.
But you said it best at the end.
wow....I totally understand the incoherency yet coherency at the same time. Confusion and understanding walking hand in hand.
ReplyDeleteLife throws us a curve ball every so oftenn and sometimes our only option is to swing. So what if we miss, at least we got up to bat.
Hugs, Celtigirl and chin up.....this too shall pass.
How is it that we end up on the same wave-length when we hardly speak?
ReplyDeleteI've got a treat for you, swet pea. You need to find the book "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. I just finished reading it and it totally touches all the topics you just mentioned.
I am shedding my masks. No more to hide and no more to fear. *HUGS* You can too, hunny.
This is not the place for me to comment is it?
ReplyDeleteBeing a clown is tough work.
Denny - indeed! There are lots of times I wish the same thing... *hugs*
ReplyDeleteMike - that's for sure. That, or not able to get past your own baggage.
Vince - You know what they say, nothing good comes without a price. It IS hard to find the words, isn't it? Thanks.
Boo - I'm glad someone does! lol
You are so right. *hugs* back atcha.
JustMe - interesting, isn't it!? Oooh, I'll put that on my "to read" list. Good for you! I'm trying to do the same thing. *hugs*
Jamie - sure it is! Aw, you know I love a clown! ;)
I'm tired of hiding behind the "mask" too. I understand where you're coming from regarding pain in our lives, the way we know someone only to find another facet of them. Life, ever-changing. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteHey sweet,
ReplyDeleteI hope your friend is going to be ok. Second chances happen for a reason, and I hope he considers himself lucky to be given one. We can never know what courses through another's mind or heart. It's that damn wall we all have that prohibits a complete understanding. Sad. But, while we sort through our own *stuff* in an attempt to makes sense of senseless acts, to try to heal a pain that's absurdly hard to come to terms with... well, we find out a lot about our own inner strength, our beauty, and what we have to share with others. Good luck to your friend and big, big hugs to you.
Many times Owl sits nights and simply watches the moonlit world. The sprinkled lights of man are distant and irrelevant, the deep and constant growling of cities a draining, yet meaningless noise. Quietly, feathers brought about the body hold at bay the cold.
ReplyDeleteBut there are times when even the Owl must venture forth. Exposing his senses to the dangers of knowledge and truth, he must risk the wing, and fly out into the world. Even Owl knows, such is the nature of life.
There is risk in life, in love, in the hunt, and in flight. Sometimes, connections in life are deadly, sometimes, they are lifegiving, but either way often they are painful and confusing, challenging and dark. But for life's sake itself, these risk's need to be taken for each other. And the world is so much better for those, like you, who do, Celti.
Nanner - I know you are. You can't blink or you'll miss something important.
ReplyDeleteCootera - I hope so, too. I think he will. Tearing down the wall makes us vulnerable and that is uncomfortable at best. Wise, healing words there, sweetie. That inner strength and beauty is what I constantly seek. *big hugs*
Owl - oh, that was beautiful. Not often that a comment leaves a lump in my throat. Thank you so much. *huge hugs*
I learned, yers ago, that when you hide who you are, there is a possibility that you may forget where you put yourself. People spend so much time repressing their feelings and needs that they begin to go numb to everything.
ReplyDeleteI have loved only to lose, and extended the hand of friendship only to have it slapped away. Did it hurt? Absolutely. Will I do it again? Always. I have found that the hurt makes the joy that much sweeter. Our limited minds need to compare things to create a range. It is easy to feel love as a child, but to value it is something entirely different.