m Celtic Cross Celtic Cross - Average Everyday Sane Psycho Supergoddess

July 27, 2005

You Just Never Know

I often find myself contemplating the nature of human relationships (if not lamenting. lol) and how complicated they can be. My, my, what a tangled web we weave.

I've had so many experiences in relationships where people have surprised me. I thought I knew the person well, only to have them completely catch me off guard. It can be disconcerting...

A couple of examples:

John, a long time friend of Chris and I, comes to mind. A good friend who would often stop over, always friendly, always wanting to get together and BBQ or have a beer - a genuinely nice guy that we enjoyed hanging out with. One day, I was watching the news and nearly fell out of my seat when they showed the picture of a man who had been arrested for stabbing a prostitute to death and dumping her body in a ditch - it was John. He was convicted of the murder and never got out of jail before going straight to prison for life, so I was never able to get his side of the story. It haunts me and chills me to the bone - he and I had just had lunch a week before this happened. How in the world...?

Mary - one of my best friends in high school. We were tighter than tight, best buds. One night we got a little drunk, and she insisted that she drive my car home because I was too drunk to drive. Well, she was drunk, too, and ended up crashing my car (yes, with me in it). She ran off the road and flipped it three times in a deep ditch. I remember the feeling of flying and seeing grass spinning past the windows & thinking that grass shouldn't be there. We were ok - just bruised up amazingly enough. She promised to help pay for the damages. Shortly after this, she stopped speaking to me, apparently mad at me but would never tell me why she was mad. Hmmm.

Feelings of betrayal are hard to deal with - the nephew who lies to get you in trouble in an attempt to get back at you because he's pissed off that he screwed up his job opportunity, the friend that you pour your heart out to when you're hurting only to have them betray you and blab their mouth about it, the one who you trusted and let into your home only to have them steal your jewelry and money out of your purse. It makes it hard to trust people, to have faith in their goodness.

Then again, there is a positive side to all of this too - the wonderful friends who come through for you and support you when you need them the most, the ones who surprise you with a kind gesture, the ones who tell you that they care and they are thinking about you and you know in your heart that they're just telling you because they think you should know.

There are people you think you know well, you've known them for years, only to discover that they have a talent and you had no clue. This happened with a girlfriend of mine recently. Chris showed her one of my stories and she didn't believe that I had written it. She had no idea I could write. It was so funny how shocked she was. She and I have been good friends for 15 years.

You never know when these people will leave you, so it's so important to enjoy and appreciate them while they're here. The daughter of a coworker of mine fell off her skateboard friday and hit her head. She died. She was only 16. My neighbor and buddy Pod, died in his sleep and no one had any idea. Wow, I'm really starting to get sappy here. Sorry. heh heh

It's such a complicated world. Feelings get hurt so easily. People are so fragile. I don't know what I'm trying to say here and I'm starting to feel silly. *shakes head* Sometimes it all overwhelms me, and I just don't know what to say or do. Sometimes I let something stupid spill out. Hey, it's part of being human. I get lost in my own emotions, a big jumbled up mess. ...but there is love there, and empathy, and compassion, and caring, and affection, and intrigue. It's a colorful, beautiful pot of stew - well, today it is anyway. lol

I'll close this with some lyrics that I can't get out of my head. They're by Tracy Bonham, whose wonderful new CD I am enjoying at the moment. Her songs sometimes feel like they come from inside my head - another kindred spirit for me to cherish. Anyway, this song reminds me of how opening ourselves up to each other - baring our souls, if you will, makes us vulnerable. We have to do it, though, to really live and to find something beautiful.

Something Beautiful

light weight
too straight
no reaction
I don’t care if I’m not in fashion
I will follow you
I will follow you
it’s hearts up heads down puddle of red wine
you get back up and you face the climb
I will follow you

something in me almost breaks

but I wait
I’m sinking in my skin
and I wait
my heart is wearing thin
‘cause I’m looking for
something beautiful

you cut me up and you make me bleed
a sad stained heart hanging on my sleeve
I’ll still follow you
I will follow you
but you say "Look up, look up look all around you.
Can’t you see the love that surrounds the very soul of you?"

something in me almost breaks

but I wait
I’m sinking in my skin
and I wait
my heart is wearing thin
‘cause I’m looking for
something beautiful
and I pray
for it to come right in
there’ll come a day
my heart is wearing thin
that I fall upon
something beautiful
something meaningful

you stick your soul out risk it all
your fearless beauty breaks your fall

something in me knows there’s something more
and it’s so close I wanna run

but I wait
I’m sinking in my skin
yeah I wait
my heart is wearing thin
‘cause I’m looking for
something beautiful
and I pray
for it to come right in
there’ll come a day
my heart is wearing thin
when I fall upon
something beautiful
something beautiful
something meaningful


At July 27, 2005 10:45 am, Blogger E-Lo said...

I know what you're saying. Life can be scary with the unpredictability factor (like getting pregnant!). And I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but I've been burned a few times too. Just a few months ago I watched my brothers girlfriend get arrested on the news for selling crack. I had no idea. Life can be weird and overwhelming. But that’s what makes it fun, right?

At July 27, 2005 11:01 am, Blogger Boobabe said...

Life is full of uncertainity and we tend to take it all personally.
I guess it really is true that we never truly each other. We all have an essence that is absorbed by some and repelled by others. Just haven't figured out yet why some repel my essence.

At July 27, 2005 11:13 am, Blogger midwest_hick said...

Hey....now that I think about it...your 1st impression of me has had to change huh?.....lol....(you know I'll never let that one go don't ya?....lol)......Nice post...as always!

At July 27, 2005 11:43 am, Blogger Pup said...

Nice post.

I'm always waiting to see someone I know on TV. Maybe one day you'll get to see me on Jerry Springer ;)

At July 27, 2005 11:47 am, Blogger sydwynd said...

I hear you. While I haven't had anyone close to me "betray" me, usually my friends just sort of fade out of my life. My best friend from high school and I don't correspond anymore. I saw him once over a year ago and it had been several years before that.

Life has a way of intruding and causing people to come into and out of you life. It's sad in a way, but you move one.

I guess for me as long as the Wife and kids are there, I'm good. Everything else is just fluff.

At July 27, 2005 12:56 pm, Blogger Denny Shane said...

Life is filled with stories like these... some better, some worse... and it has to be...I couldn't imagine life where everything is perfect, day in and day out... that would get extremely old and boring very fast.

At July 27, 2005 1:14 pm, Blogger Sloth said...

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is the scariest thing. I have a really hard time with it. I know you've taken some knocks after letting people get close to you. You know what it's like to take that chance and have it all blow up in your face.

I hope that you allow yourself to take the risk again, because it is the only way to live, really. You deserve the reward that the risk can afford you. *smooch*

At July 27, 2005 3:30 pm, Blogger jp said...

Risking everything to be happy forever is totally worth it...no matter how many times you get burned, honey.

At July 27, 2005 5:15 pm, Blogger mal said...

Wow.....and you are right, you still have to risk it to find those precious few "real" friends....they are worth all the pain

At July 27, 2005 6:36 pm, Blogger Aimee said...

Yeah. Yes, yes, yes. That post resounds.

I'm really sorry for your coworker. That's just sad and tragic.

But, as you say, on the positive side: There is YOU! One of the kindest, big-hearted people I have the pleasure of knowing

(*heh heh* And I really DO know you, not just on-line!) :)


At July 27, 2005 10:16 pm, Blogger Jenn said...

Oh my wonderful Celti girl I wish I had your outlook today. I was at the other end of the view where nothing is ever going to come out right. You did kind of cheer me up a bit however!

At July 27, 2005 10:29 pm, Blogger Inanna said...

And what goes around, comes around, times three. And I can't think of a more deserving person for good things to happen to... times three.

At July 28, 2005 2:01 am, Blogger desertUndine said...

Hey - I think it's wonderful that you can still be positive after all of the crap that seems to have happened to you. I think you have a grasp on what's really important in life, and how "fragile" - to use your own word - we all are. Beautiful post.

At July 28, 2005 9:00 am, Blogger Celti said...

E-Lo - It sure can. I give the benefit of the doubt, too - pretty much everyone is a potential friend unless they prove otherwise. Yipes - did you brother know? Yes, that's what makes it fun and interesting!

Boo - I like that about the essence. Now we just need to figure out how to tweek that.

Mike - you mean your first impression of me? Hey, it never would have happened had you not been stalking me! LOL thanks!

Pup - thanks. I'll go on springer with you - we can make up some cockamaymee story! That would rock! LOL

Vince - You're lucky if you haven't been betrayed. I've had the fade-out happen too many times. I try not to let that happen with the good ones. Yep - the family is #1.

Denny - Oh, yeah...major zzz's.

Sloth - It is scary, but necessary to find the good things. You know I will. awww, thanks & *smooch*

JP - it sure is, hon!

Aimee - Her funeral was yesterday. Absolutely heartbreaking. Awww, you're too sweet! *blush* You sound like me talking about you! xoxox

Jenn - It's really hard to keep negativity from taking over. I'm glad I helped a bit!

Inanna - it sure does! thanks, sweetie! Same to you. :)

Undine - it's a struggle some times, I tell ya. I am normally a pretty positive person, though, thank heavens. I sure try to keep that grasp. thanks!

At July 28, 2005 10:35 am, Blogger midwest_hick said...

Hey....I think I deserve a lil extra credit is deserved here.....stalking with a walker is hard work....why I use a walker to stalk is an entirely different matter tho.

At July 28, 2005 12:39 pm, Blogger No_Newz said...

You can only know someone who allows you to really get to know them. In order for that to happen, sometimes you have to be open to them first. Those stories you mentioned are really sad.
Lois Lane

At July 28, 2005 7:25 pm, Blogger Seamus said...

It is all complex and scary but you can't let it overwhelm you :)

At July 29, 2005 6:59 am, Blogger Rainypete said...

I've found taht people are only surprising becuase of what they keep hidden. It isn't that you don't know what they are capable of, it's that they keep these abilities and traits hidden. Whether you discover them by accident or if they finally open up enough to let you know the real them there are always new facets of a person to discover.

The really tricky part is feeling comfortable enough to bare your sould to someone without them driving a stake through it.

At July 29, 2005 11:30 am, Blogger Celti said...

Mike - heh heh - I bet I know why you use the walker. lol!

Lois - exactly.

Seamus - I try not to. :D

Pete - yep, you've got it. We are fascinating creatures, that is for sure.


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