You Just Never Know

I often find myself contemplating the nature of human relationships (if not lamenting. lol) and how complicated they can be. My, my, what a tangled web we weave.

I've had so many experiences in relationships where people have surprised me. I thought I knew the person well, only to have them completely catch me off guard. It can be disconcerting...

A couple of examples:

John, a long time friend of Chris and I, comes to mind. A good friend who would often stop over, always friendly, always wanting to get together and BBQ or have a beer - a genuinely nice guy that we enjoyed hanging out with. One day, I was watching the news and nearly fell out of my seat when they showed the picture of a man who had been arrested for stabbing a prostitute to death and dumping her body in a ditch - it was John. He was convicted of the murder and never got out of jail before going straight to prison for life, so I was never able to get his side of the story. It haunts me and chills me to the bone - he and I had just had lunch a week before this happened. How in the world...?

Mary - one of my best friends in high school. We were tighter than tight, best buds. One night we got a little drunk, and she insisted that she drive my car home because I was too drunk to drive. Well, she was drunk, too, and ended up crashing my car (yes, with me in it). She ran off the road and flipped it three times in a deep ditch. I remember the feeling of flying and seeing grass spinning past the windows & thinking that grass shouldn't be there. We were ok - just bruised up amazingly enough. She promised to help pay for the damages. Shortly after this, she stopped speaking to me, apparently mad at me but would never tell me why she was mad. Hmmm.

Feelings of betrayal are hard to deal with - the nephew who lies to get you in trouble in an attempt to get back at you because he's pissed off that he screwed up his job opportunity, the friend that you pour your heart out to when you're hurting only to have them betray you and blab their mouth about it, the one who you trusted and let into your home only to have them steal your jewelry and money out of your purse. It makes it hard to trust people, to have faith in their goodness.

Then again, there is a positive side to all of this too - the wonderful friends who come through for you and support you when you need them the most, the ones who surprise you with a kind gesture, the ones who tell you that they care and they are thinking about you and you know in your heart that they're just telling you because they think you should know.

There are people you think you know well, you've known them for years, only to discover that they have a talent and you had no clue. This happened with a girlfriend of mine recently. Chris showed her one of my stories and she didn't believe that I had written it. She had no idea I could write. It was so funny how shocked she was. She and I have been good friends for 15 years.

You never know when these people will leave you, so it's so important to enjoy and appreciate them while they're here. The daughter of a coworker of mine fell off her skateboard friday and hit her head. She died. She was only 16. My neighbor and buddy Pod, died in his sleep and no one had any idea. Wow, I'm really starting to get sappy here. Sorry. heh heh

It's such a complicated world. Feelings get hurt so easily. People are so fragile. I don't know what I'm trying to say here and I'm starting to feel silly. *shakes head* Sometimes it all overwhelms me, and I just don't know what to say or do. Sometimes I let something stupid spill out. Hey, it's part of being human. I get lost in my own emotions, a big jumbled up mess. ...but there is love there, and empathy, and compassion, and caring, and affection, and intrigue. It's a colorful, beautiful pot of stew - well, today it is anyway. lol

I'll close this with some lyrics that I can't get out of my head. They're by Tracy Bonham, whose wonderful new CD I am enjoying at the moment. Her songs sometimes feel like they come from inside my head - another kindred spirit for me to cherish. Anyway, this song reminds me of how opening ourselves up to each other - baring our souls, if you will, makes us vulnerable. We have to do it, though, to really live and to find something beautiful.


Something Beautiful

light weight
too straight
no reaction
I don’t care if I’m not in fashion
I will follow you
I will follow you
it’s hearts up heads down puddle of red wine
you get back up and you face the climb
I will follow you

something in me almost breaks

but I wait
I’m sinking in my skin
and I wait
my heart is wearing thin
‘cause I’m looking for
something beautiful

you cut me up and you make me bleed
a sad stained heart hanging on my sleeve
I’ll still follow you
I will follow you
but you say "Look up, look up look all around you.
Can’t you see the love that surrounds the very soul of you?"

something in me almost breaks

but I wait
I’m sinking in my skin
and I wait
my heart is wearing thin
‘cause I’m looking for
something beautiful
and I pray
for it to come right in
there’ll come a day
my heart is wearing thin
that I fall upon
something beautiful
something meaningful

you stick your soul out risk it all
your fearless beauty breaks your fall

something in me knows there’s something more
and it’s so close I wanna run

but I wait
I’m sinking in my skin
yeah I wait
my heart is wearing thin
‘cause I’m looking for
something beautiful
and I pray
for it to come right in
there’ll come a day
my heart is wearing thin
when I fall upon
something beautiful
something beautiful
something meaningful