m Celtic Cross Celtic Cross - Average Everyday Sane Psycho Supergoddess

February 21, 2006

Dear Kotex

I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my maxi-pad had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it - annoying advice such as:

- Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
- Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
- Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
- Try Kotex blah blah blah other products.

Obviously, the person behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning pair of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman TO HER FACE that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. See what happens and report back. I'll wait here. While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I guaran-damn-tee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.

Look, females don't need or want tips for living on feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from their elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, mostly containing alcohol or chocolate.

Printing out crap advice while sneaking in ads for the brand THAT WAS ALREADY PURCHASED is just plain wrong, not to mention rude and enough to send a girl running to Always.

Mostly we'd like to forget that we even need these products. It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. Put the shit in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer. There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your *ahem* state to everyone in the damn store. ...this is not to mention the poor saps that are kind enough to buy these items for their ladies. The ultimate goal of your product should be functional invisibility at every stage, including the point of purchase.

So take your tips for living and shove them right up your asses. (Try drinking six to eight glasses of water to make you feel fresher while you're doing it!)

Crampingly Yours,

Miss PMS

19 Comments:

At February 21, 2006 10:32 am, Blogger Denny Shane said...

I always stand ready to help a woman having problems, but I lerned a long time ago, just play ignorant, let her suffer in silence, and throw things at me...

 
At February 21, 2006 11:22 am, Blogger Denny Shane said...

learned... learned... learned... lol

 
At February 21, 2006 11:23 am, Blogger Red said...

Stellar post, Celti :)

 
At February 21, 2006 11:44 am, Blogger Cootera said...

6-8 glasses of water during a time you already feel like a bloated heifer... yeah, that's *great* advice!! Who is the buttmunch who came up with that one?

 
At February 21, 2006 1:11 pm, Blogger Serra said...

Makes not quite as much sense as "the braid makes you brave" ads running now. I hate those effing things.

 
At February 21, 2006 1:58 pm, Blogger E-Lo said...

This is the best. post. EVER.

 
At February 21, 2006 3:41 pm, Blogger Jamie said...

Next they will put jokes on the tampon tubes.

 
At February 21, 2006 6:25 pm, Blogger se7en said...

Those people are freekin' NUTS! I would call and complain!

They'll probably send you coupons for more of their product! LOL

8)

 
At February 21, 2006 6:49 pm, Blogger spcknght said...

Well, as long as they send you freebies, what's the problem? :)

I think that most of Madison Avenue needs to understand that if you try to make a product more idiot-proof, nature will create a bigger idiot! Don't encourage mother nature to make a bad situation worse, you advertising and PR-spinning morons!

Ok...off of soapbox...great post, and I hope all your cramps are small and relatively painless ones.

 
At February 21, 2006 9:09 pm, Blogger Inanna said...

Obviously written by a man...

and drinking water helps alleviate bloating...supposedly.

 
At February 22, 2006 9:56 am, Blogger Michael said...

Funny post... and educating. What Denny said. I just stay quiet and supportive.

 
At February 22, 2006 10:59 am, Blogger Gooch said...

I had to laugh at your "announcing your *ahem* state to everyone in the damn store" comment. I remember standing in line at the drug store next to a very hot woman once, only to notice she was there for the sole purpose of buying stool softener. Somehow, she didn't seem so hot after that.

 
At February 22, 2006 11:31 am, Blogger Rainypete said...

Reminds me of the little boy who handed his Mother a box of pads and asked if he could have them. When asked why he replied that he wanted to horseback riding, hang-gliding, rock climbing.......

 
At February 22, 2006 2:24 pm, Blogger Celti said...

Denny - Probably the safest way to go. lol

OW - thanks. :)

Cootera - Indeed!

Serra - Haven't seen that one. What channel/network?

E-lo. lol - thanks.

Jamie - Oh, they'd better not go there.

Se7en - Eh, they'd just say that they've had compliments. losers. ;D

Spc - Great point about the idiot proofing. No cramps now, thankfully. :D

Nanner - Definitely. I've heard that, but it doesn't make sense. :)

Michael - thanks. Sounds like a good plan. ;)

Gooch - that's hilarious. Aw, c'mon, she was just a little uptight. lol

Pete - ha ha ha ha ha ha!

 
At February 22, 2006 5:23 pm, Blogger Boobabe said...

OMG...this was so hilarious and quite timely...if you know what I mean. ;)

Happy PMS day since I guess it wouldn't do any good to wish you a happy Hump Day.

 
At February 22, 2006 10:05 pm, Blogger SignGurl said...

Holy Shit! You've tapped into my world as well. Awesome post!

 
At February 23, 2006 8:08 am, Blogger Brighton said...

Soooooo glad I had the hysterectomy.

 
At February 23, 2006 10:25 am, Blogger Mitchypoo said...

Yes, Always is the best.

 
At February 23, 2006 4:30 pm, Blogger Tricia said...

I'm so feeling this post!
Ugh!

 

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