February 21, 2006

Dear Kotex

I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my maxi-pad had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it - annoying advice such as:

- Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
- Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
- Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
- Try Kotex blah blah blah other products.

Obviously, the person behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning pair of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman TO HER FACE that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. See what happens and report back. I'll wait here. While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I guaran-damn-tee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.

Look, females don't need or want tips for living on feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from their elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, mostly containing alcohol or chocolate.

Printing out crap advice while sneaking in ads for the brand THAT WAS ALREADY PURCHASED is just plain wrong, not to mention rude and enough to send a girl running to Always.

Mostly we'd like to forget that we even need these products. It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. Put the shit in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer. There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your *ahem* state to everyone in the damn store. ...this is not to mention the poor saps that are kind enough to buy these items for their ladies. The ultimate goal of your product should be functional invisibility at every stage, including the point of purchase.

So take your tips for living and shove them right up your asses. (Try drinking six to eight glasses of water to make you feel fresher while you're doing it!)

Crampingly Yours,

Miss PMS


  1. I always stand ready to help a woman having problems, but I lerned a long time ago, just play ignorant, let her suffer in silence, and throw things at me...

  2. learned... learned... learned... lol

  3. 6-8 glasses of water during a time you already feel like a bloated heifer... yeah, that's *great* advice!! Who is the buttmunch who came up with that one?

  4. Makes not quite as much sense as "the braid makes you brave" ads running now. I hate those effing things.

  5. This is the best. post. EVER.

  6. Next they will put jokes on the tampon tubes.

  7. Those people are freekin' NUTS! I would call and complain!

    They'll probably send you coupons for more of their product! LOL


  8. Well, as long as they send you freebies, what's the problem? :)

    I think that most of Madison Avenue needs to understand that if you try to make a product more idiot-proof, nature will create a bigger idiot! Don't encourage mother nature to make a bad situation worse, you advertising and PR-spinning morons!

    Ok...off of soapbox...great post, and I hope all your cramps are small and relatively painless ones.

  9. Obviously written by a man...

    and drinking water helps alleviate bloating...supposedly.

  10. Funny post... and educating. What Denny said. I just stay quiet and supportive.

  11. I had to laugh at your "announcing your *ahem* state to everyone in the damn store" comment. I remember standing in line at the drug store next to a very hot woman once, only to notice she was there for the sole purpose of buying stool softener. Somehow, she didn't seem so hot after that.

  12. Reminds me of the little boy who handed his Mother a box of pads and asked if he could have them. When asked why he replied that he wanted to horseback riding, hang-gliding, rock climbing.......

  13. Denny - Probably the safest way to go. lol

    OW - thanks. :)

    Cootera - Indeed!

    Serra - Haven't seen that one. What channel/network?

    E-lo. lol - thanks.

    Jamie - Oh, they'd better not go there.

    Se7en - Eh, they'd just say that they've had compliments. losers. ;D

    Spc - Great point about the idiot proofing. No cramps now, thankfully. :D

    Nanner - Definitely. I've heard that, but it doesn't make sense. :)

    Michael - thanks. Sounds like a good plan. ;)

    Gooch - that's hilarious. Aw, c'mon, she was just a little uptight. lol

    Pete - ha ha ha ha ha ha!

  14. OMG...this was so hilarious and quite timely...if you know what I mean. ;)

    Happy PMS day since I guess it wouldn't do any good to wish you a happy Hump Day.

  15. Holy Shit! You've tapped into my world as well. Awesome post!

  16. Soooooo glad I had the hysterectomy.

  17. I'm so feeling this post!