June 14, 2006

Fair Weather Angst

I've noticed an interesting trend in visits to my blog in the last several months. Most of you that have been coming here for a while know that there's been quite a turn-around in my mental health since last fall. Prior to that time, I was suffering from horrible depression and anxiety. Though some of my posts here were positive, most of them were filled with frustration, angst and insecurities - symptoms of suffering.

Since I sought help and got my head straightened out, I have been a much happier person and I know that it shows in my posts. Some times, however, I feel like all I post these days is fluff and insignificant blather. My stats certainly do seem to reflect this.

During the worst time of suffering, last fall right before I got help, several of my "best blogger buddies" - people who swore themselves to be true friends, dumped me. They turned their backs on me, mostly due to the person who claimed to have been my "best friend" deciding that she thought I was evil or dangerous or something. Yes - at the time when I needed her most. Even though the only person I was a danger to was myself, she gathered up her little herd of sheep and off they pranced to greener pastures leaving me to die/suffer/whatever. Great friends, huh?

Am I bitter? Hell yes, I am. But more than that, I'm disappointed. It's always disappointing when you think you've found a true friend and they turn out to be otherwise. I never really posted about it because I'm not the kind of person to sling mud. They were far too fond of gossip and picking out others' shortcomings anyway. If they would rather go along with a vindictive back-stabber rather than a friend in need, I'm better off without them. In a big way, it made me skeptical regarding people in general and much more hesitant to offer friendship to anyone.

Anyway, it's not that I really give a shit about my stats - I watch them mostly to see where people are coming from and how they get here. I've noticed, though, that the numbers are dropping. I used to get around 175-200 hits per day. Now I get around 100-125. It's almost as if people are no longer interested now that my posts are not filled with negativity, suffering and misery. Is that what people want to read? Gads, I would hope not. Perhaps they came here to make themselves feel better about their own lives since mine was so miserable. I guess I'm just not nearly as interesting now that I'm happy.

The original point of this was reflection on the quality/substance of my posts. Sure, there's a good one now and then, but lately they've mostly been crap. I've always been at my most creative when I was either miserable or crazy-in-love. Since I am neither now, I guess I've settled well into the realm of the tedious and mundane. I'm not finding it particularly comfortable.

Alas, it's my curse in life - never satisfied, always something missing.


Breathe, breathe in the air.
Don't be afraid to care.
Leave but don't leave me.
Look around, choose your own ground.

Long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
And all you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be.

Run, rabbit run.
Dig that hole, forget the sun,
And when at last the work is done
Don't sit down it's time to dig another one.

For long you live and high you fly
But only if you ride the tide
And balanced on the biggest wave
You race towards an early grave.

-Pink Floyd

Yeah, so I have a shitty attitude today. You know what's really cool, though? I am the #1 result on Google for "Bitchin Camaro Sandwich". WOOT!

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