May 10, 2005

My Life in Fiction

I write stories. Some of you have read them, some have not. A lot of them are stories of love, romance, sex, being swept away in the feelings that you can get lost in. The truth is many times I write about the things that I long for – those that are missing in my life. I want to be wooed. I want my head to swim in giddy delight without feelings of apprehension and insecurity. I want to feel this way. I want to be everything to someone and have them be my everything in return.

There have been a couple of times that I really felt this way. They were much too short-lived and it hurt much too badly when it ended. How can you make yourself vulnerable to that again without fear?

I was working on a story last night – it is coming along quite nicely. As I dove head first into the tale, it spewing out of my fingers almost like I was on auto pilot, it began - the longing. It starts as a nagging little twinge, and develops into a full-blown sense of dread and emptiness. The story is too personal, too close to exactly what I need and want so badly. I have to back away from it for now, and regroup. I'm tempted to scrap it – delete it and never go back, but I can't. Not yet, anyway.

There is this hole in my heart. Sometimes I think I’ve found something to fill it, I am temporarily placated only to realize all too soon that it is just as empty as it's always been. All the qualifications can't be met. I don't want a temporary fill. My true fear is that I will never feel complete, never satisfied. None of my stories will ever come true and I will end up alone. I am my own worst enemy and I can't stomach my own persecution some times.

How I long to be the characters in my stories – they are confident, strong and sure of themselves and the love they pursue. Why do I create these fruitless ideals? I constantly set myself up for disappointment – or is that what optimism is all about? If it is, I think I prefer to go back to pessimism. In a lot of ways, it's less painful.

I wonder how many other writers do this to themselves, or if it is just me. ...and why is it that these demons, the bastards, help me to write some of my most inspired and beautiful works? They're so very dark, but black is beautiful.

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep
Standing on the edge of something much too deep
It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard


  1. "Great accomplishements come with great risks." I think that would include love too or at least, I believe it does.

    I wont go into to much detail here but I do know what you're feeling and I can honestly say, "Been there. Done that."

    It took three years to get it right but man has it been wonderful since. It takes courage to seek what you desire. It takes strength to "open up" to someone else about what it is you want. The swooning of an early relationship doesn't have to end at the beginning. It can grow into something deeper that goes beyond giddy delight.

    You do have it in you to be all the things you desire. It is only fear that keeps you from living the life of your characters.

    It is as simple as putting one foot in front of the other, sweet pea.

  2. I've probably written over a thousand characters in short stories, scripts and books, and every single one of them are parts of me shining through. If one of your characters has confidence, then you have it to. We're not talking about superpowers here, just emotion. The fact that you can write someone like that means you have the capacity to act the same way. Of course, writing words on a page is a lot less nerve-wracking than acting out a fantasy.

    The other truth may be that you're letting these characters lie to you about yourself, and that they are fooling you into either a) limiting yourself, b)wanting something you don't really want, or c)not wanting something you do desire.

    Characters you create are just fragments of thought, but looking at them will tell you things about yourself. Look past their actions to what motivates them.

  3. Never scrap it! I hope everything eventually works itself out.
    Lois Lane

  4. My last love was for someone who did not love me the same way in return and it was excrutiating. I have not been in love since and I can admit my fears keep me from letting anyone get that close again. It took me two years to heal, though even still my heart pounds at the mention of the person's name. A love never leaves, only fades..

    I try to remain open and positive.. some days are better than others.
    My day will come.

  5. Anything really worth having is never easy to get. You might fail a couple times, but when you get it, everything leading up to it will be well worth it.

    I just noticed I sound like a fortune cookie.

  6. "I am my own worst enemy" is so true, in my case. I obsess and overanalyze and torture myself with "what ifs" and "should Is." One day I'm gonna wake up and be 70 and wonder where the fuck my life went :o)

    I'd love to read some of your work sometime. I always wanted to be a writer, but I just can't seem to get the words from my brain to paper without something totally fucked happening to them along the way.

    You have a great heart, great things will happen for you.

  7. Don't scrap your work, maybe take a little break from it. You are beautiful Celti- inside and out.

  8. Just Me - Good point. I've been trying to tell myself those kinds of things. Unfortunately, I've been looking a lot longer than 3 years. What you said is all so true, I just have to learn to beat the fear and push forward. Thanks so much.

    Omega - you are probably right. I'm not a very seasoned writer. Each story is a very new experience, some much more frustrating than others. I struggle with a and have trying to accomplish c to no avail. Good advice - I'll try.

  9. Lois - I won't. It's too good to scrap. Thanks, hon.

    CB - Unfortunately, I too know how that feels. excrutiating is a good word for it. Keep that good attitude and you're right.

    Pup - you're right and you do. thanks for the chat today. *smooch*

    Vicki - you're not alone, that's for sure. Maybe I'll send you this one when I'm done. The last one was good, too, though short and steamy. Thank you, sweetie. I hope the same for you.

    Brighton - that's what I'm doing. Thanks, sweetie. Same goes for you.

  10. Mornin' Sunshine ~ never, never scrap it - put it aside for awhile - if for no other reason than to use it as fodder for something else :)

  11. When I'm dramaturging, I have a line that I sometimes use with my playwrights: "Right bit, wrong play." It means that what they've written is great and beautiful and wonderful, but it doesn't quite fit in the play they're currently writing. I tell them to keep it - in a file cabinet, in a Word file, whatever - and the play it's supposed to be in will eventually find it.

    Don't scrap that story, Celti. You'll find where it goes, whether it be in another story, or in your life.

  12. Mornin' Stormy - I won't. It really is too good, just the wrong time to work on it. Tonight might be good to work on it some more. ;)

    Julz - Great way to handle that! I'm not going to scrap it. Thanks, sweetie! You doing better today?

  13. Celti - cheer up. Don't make me come over there. ;o)

  14. Miss Celti girl I know those feelings all to well. I don't think that it exists that deep, true love. In the beginning it's there, and it fades all to soon and you're left feeling hopelessly alone even when there is someone there taking up space. It always seem like it would be better with someone else, but it never is.