Damage Path

I've mentioned several times here lately that 2005 sucked for me. It didn't just suck, it sucked more than anything has ever sucked before (name that movie). Why, you ask? Well, there were a lot of reasons but the main one I really can't explain. I think the biggest reason was that I was sick - yes, sick. Sick in the head.

I've struggled with anxiety and depression since I was a teenager. Perhaps there was some kind of hormonal anomaly that happened when I hit puberty, but it was a downhill slide from there. It got bad enough to prompt me to take medication in my early 20s, and it did help. I think it was the wrong medication, though.

Anyway, this last year (actually, probably more like 2 years) things have gone a few more miles down hill. I battled with negativity, lack of self confidence, bad attitude, depression, hopelessness, anxiety and paranoia. What's worse is the fact that it got so bad that it started spilling out. I projected these things onto others and made them into monsters in my head, making so many things into the proverbial mountain out of molehills. I interpreted people's actions as their problems and issues instead of recognizing them as what most of them really were - my fucked up interpretation of what was going on. It was like seeing the world through badly made stained glass - fragmented, discolored and distorted.

A few months ago, a nasty turn of events caused me to dive deep down into my soul and really analyze - rip it apart and put it back together piece by piece in an effort to understand it. I figured out a lot more about how I tick, and, more specifically, how I was not ticking properly.

I came a long way in those months, but I still wasn't well. It became obvious that I needed help. Panic attacks, brief highs, extreme lows and anxiety prompted me to get the help I needed. I started taking and continue to take medication that has helped so much more than I expected it to that now I'm kicking myself for not doing it sooner. Several people have mentioned how much my demeanor has improved, and how different I seem in a positive way. I can't tell you how good that makes me feel, though it makes me feel a bit ashamed of the way I had been acting.

Sure, there were a lot of times when the real me would shine through, but there were evil demons leaking through the cracks that you could see if you got too close. I alienated several friends during that time, and a few friendships were lost. There are others who stuck by my side and supported me and I love them even more than I already did for that.

I guess what I need to say is this: if I ever made you uncomfortable, pissed you off or made you sick of hearing me whine, I am sorry. It wasn't really me. Well, it was but it wasn't. Hopefully you understand.

All of you that come here to read mean a lot to me. However, there are a few specific people that stand out and I have a few words for...

Owl, Nanner, Jamie R., HEP, Tricia, Boo, Derek, Pup, Archmage, Vince, Brighton, Denny, Cootera, Varla, Nurse Jamie, Omega, Se7en, JustMe, SpcKnght - You have been wonderful friends. Your support, your willingness to lend me your ear (or your shoulder), the valuable advice you've offered and your patience with me is recognized and appreciated. Your gift of friendship is worth more than you'll ever know. Thank you for bearing with me through the storm.

Lastly, there's Chris, my husband. He has stood by my side through all of this, and though I know it was rough, he never turned his back on me. Despite what I have put him through, he has been my rock and I love him so.

Sorry for honey-dripping that I just submitted you to, but I felt those things needed to be said. I also want to say that if you are suffering, struggling as I have been, get help. Don't be ashamed. Your friends and family with love you even more for it and it just might allow you to love yourself, which is most important.