January 09, 2006

Damage Path

I've mentioned several times here lately that 2005 sucked for me. It didn't just suck, it sucked more than anything has ever sucked before (name that movie). Why, you ask? Well, there were a lot of reasons but the main one I really can't explain. I think the biggest reason was that I was sick - yes, sick. Sick in the head.

I've struggled with anxiety and depression since I was a teenager. Perhaps there was some kind of hormonal anomaly that happened when I hit puberty, but it was a downhill slide from there. It got bad enough to prompt me to take medication in my early 20s, and it did help. I think it was the wrong medication, though.

Anyway, this last year (actually, probably more like 2 years) things have gone a few more miles down hill. I battled with negativity, lack of self confidence, bad attitude, depression, hopelessness, anxiety and paranoia. What's worse is the fact that it got so bad that it started spilling out. I projected these things onto others and made them into monsters in my head, making so many things into the proverbial mountain out of molehills. I interpreted people's actions as their problems and issues instead of recognizing them as what most of them really were - my fucked up interpretation of what was going on. It was like seeing the world through badly made stained glass - fragmented, discolored and distorted.

A few months ago, a nasty turn of events caused me to dive deep down into my soul and really analyze - rip it apart and put it back together piece by piece in an effort to understand it. I figured out a lot more about how I tick, and, more specifically, how I was not ticking properly.

I came a long way in those months, but I still wasn't well. It became obvious that I needed help. Panic attacks, brief highs, extreme lows and anxiety prompted me to get the help I needed. I started taking and continue to take medication that has helped so much more than I expected it to that now I'm kicking myself for not doing it sooner. Several people have mentioned how much my demeanor has improved, and how different I seem in a positive way. I can't tell you how good that makes me feel, though it makes me feel a bit ashamed of the way I had been acting.

Sure, there were a lot of times when the real me would shine through, but there were evil demons leaking through the cracks that you could see if you got too close. I alienated several friends during that time, and a few friendships were lost. There are others who stuck by my side and supported me and I love them even more than I already did for that.

I guess what I need to say is this: if I ever made you uncomfortable, pissed you off or made you sick of hearing me whine, I am sorry. It wasn't really me. Well, it was but it wasn't. Hopefully you understand.

All of you that come here to read mean a lot to me. However, there are a few specific people that stand out and I have a few words for...

Owl, Nanner, Jamie R., HEP, Tricia, Boo, Derek, Pup, Archmage, Vince, Brighton, Denny, Cootera, Varla, Nurse Jamie, Omega, Se7en, JustMe, SpcKnght - You have been wonderful friends. Your support, your willingness to lend me your ear (or your shoulder), the valuable advice you've offered and your patience with me is recognized and appreciated. Your gift of friendship is worth more than you'll ever know. Thank you for bearing with me through the storm.

Lastly, there's Chris, my husband. He has stood by my side through all of this, and though I know it was rough, he never turned his back on me. Despite what I have put him through, he has been my rock and I love him so.

Sorry for honey-dripping that I just submitted you to, but I felt those things needed to be said. I also want to say that if you are suffering, struggling as I have been, get help. Don't be ashamed. Your friends and family with love you even more for it and it just might allow you to love yourself, which is most important.


  1. Celti,

    Glad I could be there in whatever small way I could. And kudos to your husband for being a true spouse and sticking with you no matter what. My good friend was in a similar situation and his marriage ended over it. I'm also glad you're in a better place now. If you ever need anything, just let me know.

  2. Celti...you said "highs AND lows". Make sure you're not going through what Brandon is going through becasue a misdiagnosis will hurt more then help.

    I worry about that now....especially after finding out just how much damage was done to Brandon over being treated for only depression rather then him being treated for bi-polar.

    Regardless of all that, I'm so very thankful you went and got help, sweet pea. I'm proud of you and I'm always here if you need anything....day or night...

  3. You know I've been there and understand those highs and lows as you struggle to bring yourself up out of the pit. I'm so glad you're standing on the rim and walking away from the canyon. I'm so proud of you!!

  4. Good on you for taking that damn bull by the horns! It takes courage to look deep inside where those insidious things dwell. Big big hugs to you, sweetie!!

  5. Further up and further in. That's the only way to go.

    And I'd guess Beavis and Butthead Do America for the movie.

  6. You have come to the realization point... and that is a major step in the right direction. Now where do you go? ;)

  7. Here's hoping 2006 is a much, much better year for you. Take care!

  8. I'm gonna say, "What Mike said."

    He stold the words out of my mouth!

  9. Hugs to you Celti. It was very brave of you to share these feelings with us. I enjoy your blog very much so.

    I read somewhere that 2005 wasn't a very good year for many, and that 2006 will be a year of renewal. Here's to 2006!

  10. My heart swells with pride for you. Way to grow! :c)

  11. ((CELTI))

    Did you know that most creative people are anxiolytic and depressed? We try to hide it, but it peers through the cracks, like you said. Don't apologize for it. You're learning to control it and it takes time. It's not a fun place to be, but you can make it.

    Here's to a better 2006 all the way around. Give yourself a few extra hugs tonight, K?

  12. Aw, hey Celti, c'meer.

    ((((((Smooochy Snogs))))))


  13. Yeah...2005 was basically a throw away year in alot of respects. Other than Leo showing up, I'd like to take the whole year and can it, bury it, and do a dance on it.

  14. '05 was a mixed bag for me. Good and bad things happened, and what frustrates me the most is that in some ways I feel like things are exactly the same... but they're not -- the friends you make are invaluable... Hope '06 goes a lot better for you and all of us.

  15. I won't give up, if you don't give up...
    I'm here for ya, as you've been there for me, even when you didn't realize it. Pax, darlin'. :)

  16. Dangit, I responded to these once and blogger ate them. Hope it made a nice breakfast. grrr.

    Vince - you helped a lot. ...and, yes! I'm lucky to have him. *hugs*

    JustMe - Mostly lows, actually. ug. I think I got the right medication, though. Check back with the Dr. today. Thanks! *hugs*

    Nanner - You've been so awesome. There's no going back! :D *hugs*

    Cootera - thanks! It pulled me out of that comfort zone quite a bit, but I think that's good for a person. *hugs*

    Omega - Absolutely. You're right! ding ding ding

    Denny - Upward and onward, my friend. :D

    Mike - thanks, you too!

    Jamie - same to you, sweetie!

    Jennifer - It was tough - you don't know how many edits there were. lol! I think it was, indeed, bad for many. I'll second that!

    HEP - aww, thanks! You were a big help! *hugs*

    Kris - I think I'd heard that. I was not really apologizing for the cause as I was the results. Yes, yes! I did. You do the same. :D

    Owl - awww *soaking it in* - same to you, big guy! xox

    Jamie - Yes, Leo was a bright spot in the fog! Can I join you for that dance? :D

    Michael - Glad it wasn't all bad & yes, they are. Cheers to that!

    Derek - woot!

    Spc - Oh, that's an awesome song! Glad I did some good things. :) Namaste.