m Celtic Cross Celtic Cross - Average Everyday Sane Psycho Supergoddess

December 29, 2005

Tired

I think I've got the post-holiday blahs. Today is Thursday - HNT, but I'm not going to participate. I just don't have it in me today. I think I'm coming down with a cold and I'm so tired.

I've been sitting here looking at this box for far too long now. As usual, there is a storm of thoughts going on inside my head, but I can't work any of it into a sufficiently coherent form to put it down here. This might not make much sense, but so be it. Blah.

New Years eve is coming and I dread it. I have no idea what I'll do that night. Probably the usual - general housework, hanging out with D until he goes to bed then watching TV until I crash. Probably won't even make it until midnight. I feel like I should do something to celebrate the passing of this horrible year, but how much fun is it to celebrate by yourself?

Chris seems to be pulling away from me again. Yeah, I know I just said a few days ago that things were going better and they have, but it's "gone South" again just recently. Things were really good there for a while, but he's back to drinking heavily and shutting me out. Immediately after dinner, he goes into the computer room, often with a friend or two, and spends the evening there, having lively conversation with his buddies or surfing the web if he's alone.

It's occurred to me here lately how long it's been since he and I actually had a conversation. Yeah, we talk, but we don't really talk. He shows no interest in me and I feel alone again. I hate that feeling.

I don't even think he reads this any more. He's just not interested.

I was thinking last night about how much time he spends with his friends and how much he talks to them compared to me. He used to say that I was his best friend. I don't think that's the case any more. I miss him.

I'm tired.
I'm tired of questioning myself.
I'm tired of analyzing this soul.
I'm tired of going in circles.
I'm tired of trying to figure people out.
I'm tired of searching and never finding.

I'm just tired.

5 Comments:

At December 29, 2005 1:49 pm, Blogger Chicka said...

Celit, you deserve a break hon. The new year is really nothing special. Just more of the same, and another reason for the kids to party. I'm usually crapped out well before midnight, and then wake exactly at midnight just to say I rang it in.

 
At December 29, 2005 2:46 pm, Blogger just me said...

Sweet pea......

When are you going to love yourself? When are you going to see the value of your beautiful soul? Forget the rest of the world, we will love you no matter what. But if you don't love yourself, you wont find the peace you're searching for.

Unconditional love; Make that your New Year resolution. Love yourself and watch the love grow in your life.

 
At December 29, 2005 3:25 pm, Blogger Brighton said...

Make a change sweetie, seriously. I did, a couple of times! It's better to be alone and happy then to be with someone who is not as into the relationship as you are and sad.
Your too special to waste your time with someone who is just not there emotionally.
Besides, D needs to see that you care enough about yourself to be happy.
If I am overstepping here, I apologize. I'm just calling it like I see it...

 
At December 29, 2005 4:09 pm, Blogger Celti said...

Kris - I know, it's just me bumming about about no longer having a social life. I do, however, need a break, you're right there.

JustMe - Sometimes I can say that I do, but something always seems to get in the way. That's a good resolution. thanks *hugs*

Brighton - my heart doesn't want to believe that he isn't into it - I'm actually hoping this will open up a dialogue. Believe me, I've thought a lot about the waste of time. No overstepping - I appreciate your input and caring. *hugs*

 
At December 30, 2005 9:22 am, Blogger Mike said...

Life is too short for prolonged 'unhappy' relationships.

Perhaps a change is necessary....maybe not so much along the lines of Brighton's suggestion but perhaps counseling?

Any how, I wish you a very happy, Happy New Year!

 

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