m Celtic Cross Celtic Cross - Average Everyday Sane Psycho Supergoddess

September 19, 2005

Come On In

...have a seat. It's nice to see you. Would you like a cup of coffee?

It's been quite a weekend. We need to talk. What shall we talk about? Well, how about intimacy - something that has been missing in my life.

Intimacy. The state of being intimate, innermost, essential. Honesty. Sexual relations. Ability to make commitments to others and to love. Erikson's sixth stage of human psychosocial development: intimacy vs. isolation.

But here's the catch: if you choose isolation, you will die.

...and here's the reassurance on the heels of that warning: if you are reading these words, you have already chosen intimacy. Perhaps there is a thread of passion between us.

I am crouched here in the glow of my computer screen whispering, writing, fashioning my story, and you are listening. Maybe if I put my worst face forward, I can scare you away. I find sunsets boring. Housework? I never do it. I don't own a hairbrush. Even small crowds make me nervous. Yes, you'll have to get used to my cussing. What possessed you to buy those shoes?

Look, I can be mean. I am crazy, weak, bitter, and blind.

No, wait! Come back. I can be courageous, too. Yes, I can even be kind - kinder than the softest touch that brushes away a tear.

Follow me. There's no need to mention the ripped screen door. I know, I've been meaning to fix it. Just keep walking. I'll show you my unwritten books, withdrawal symptoms, scarred lungs, the chemical remnants of antidepressants, my secret penchant for little boxes & cut out pictures, the scars from when I was attacked. ...and there's your jacket--the one you left on my floor 10 years ago.

Hush, I already know there's a name for this, a diagnosis, a fitting song, a website, a 12-step program. ...but I don't want any of those things. I just want inside.

Maybe we can find a comfortable spot here between memory and possibility - shuck the bitterness and only keep the good. We can pick things apart over warm saki. I'll pour yours if you'll pour mine. Can I get you anything? Put on a favorite song? I'm glad you came. Just, please, leave no more behind than you can help me sort through. Please tell me your stories of unsimple undertakings, severed relations, the tantrums you threw because you were stuck. Show me the paths marked by acupuncture needles, the hole in your heart, the unnamed streets that cut a labyrinth through the subdivision of custom homes. We'll trace our way back through that neighborhood if you like.

You'll forgive me, won't you, when your favorite songs make me cringe? They remind me why I wanted so badly to stay a long time ago. Put on something else and I'll follow you now. I'll wear white like the bright bone of my promise. I'll speak in whispers, then wear blue and blend into the dusk. After the light has gone, I'll walk tall and wear red so the blood won't show.

I won't be lying when I whisper I think you're beautiful.

I won't abuse the power if you won't.

I'll call your bluff if you'll call mine.

I'll trust you, even if you do not trust me.

Remember, if you choose isolation, you will die. ...but it's still tempting. Sign off, close the window, tell all your friends it was the other one who got scared. It'll be back.

Here I'd imagined it was selfishness that was driving you all these years. Should we be relieved or horrified to discover that it was in fact fear?

These interior cities and subway tunnels are earthly places. How long can we stay? I'll hold your hand if you'll hold mine.


At September 19, 2005 9:26 am, Blogger Celti said...

Just... wow.
Words always fail me when others use them like that.
I can't call that beautiful. It isn't, not to my definition of the word.
It is... evoking. Alluring. Arousing. (I can use a thesaurus, go me!)

It is intense.

You feeling better today?

At September 19, 2005 9:38 am, Blogger Celti said...

Thank you Celti. My dear, this is going to confuse people - they're going to think I'm talking to myself, though I don't think they'd be surprised. heh heh

Yes, I'm feeling better today. Though the clouds are still looming, I've spotted glimmers peeking through. Thank you so much for being there.

At September 19, 2005 9:50 am, Blogger Celti said...

Hmmm... this will confuse people, won't it?
They can just click the profile links if they really get confused.

I'm glad the sun is starting to shine through... let's hope the storm breaks soon.

I'm always here if you need me. S'what friends are for, right? (Even online friends that you barely know, and only met through confusion... ^^)

At September 19, 2005 12:29 pm, Blogger Rainypete said...

So by following you are we going through the looking glass, or somewhere even more enteratining?

At September 19, 2005 1:20 pm, Blogger Cootera said...

**munch munch**
Lotsa food for thought here, Celti. It tastes kinda blue. Hope you're ok.

At September 19, 2005 5:11 pm, Blogger Inanna said...

WOW!! INCREDIBLE!! Good luck hon.

At September 19, 2005 5:15 pm, Blogger midwest_hick said...

Very nice....and I left my jacker there?.....10 years ago?....and you still have it?....lol

At September 19, 2005 6:31 pm, Blogger Brighton said...

That is powerful. Rooting for intimacy for you- everyone should have that in their lives...

At September 19, 2005 9:10 pm, Blogger Seeker said...


I leave for a few months and come back to boobies at Zeldas and inner zen here!

Im back and gonna be posting quite frequently got a new blog up you are going to have to check out (When I actually start to write again lmfao)


At September 19, 2005 9:18 pm, Blogger sydwynd said...

Holy shit that was one of the best things I've ever read. I mean, all I can say is holy shit!

That was powerful, edgy, intimate, emotional...

Holy shit!

At September 20, 2005 7:48 am, Blogger Jamie said...

That was amazing. So full of detail, and mystery.

At September 20, 2005 8:26 am, Blogger Celti said...

Celti - just like storms in the midwestern summer, they never truly go away for long. Then again, I like storms, so... Yep, s'what they're for. *hugs*

Pete - hmmm...I'd say somewhere more interesting. :)

Cootera - indeed, there is. Perhaps it's blue raspberry. *hugs*

Nanner - thanks! that means a lot coming from a writer like you. :)

Mike - think metaphorically, m'dear. lol

Brighton - thanks, I sure hope so.

Seeker!! - Good to "see" you, man! I'd just about given up on you. Oooh, yeah, gotta have the boobies & zen. :) I'll re-hook up your link!

Vince - *blush* thanks! Well, just...thanks. :)

At September 20, 2005 10:37 am, Blogger just me said...

Be mean to me....I can take it...if you can. Just as long as its honest, sincere...

I have found that isolation is a state of mind. Now if I could just figure out which state my mind is in...maybe it wont be so isolated anymore.

*soft tender hugs*

At September 22, 2005 1:52 pm, Blogger Celti said...

Jamie - thank you! You snuck in on me there. :)

JustMe - nah - only the deserving. lol Yes, state of mind is a huge part of it. You let me know if you figure it out. lol *hugs*


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