m Celtic Cross Celtic Cross - Average Everyday Sane Psycho Supergoddess

March 04, 2005

Backing Away Slowly

There is a saying that, all too frequently, come back to my mind and kicks me in the ass. "If it seems to good to be true, it probably is."

My life is no bed of roses - I struggle with anxiety and depression, I have a strained relationship with an alcoholic husband, financial troubles... My only saving grace is my wonderful son, who brings so much light into my life. Sometimes I think I would be dead by now if it weren't for him.

Sure, I realize that EVERYONE has their problems, but it is so good to have someone to talk to who cares, who understands and who reaches out to you to help in any way they can. A true friend. They are a blessing. These kinds of friends are rare and very hard to find.

Now, I am finding myself in an all-to-familiar place. When I find one of these friends, it is such a relief to have someone who I can talk to that I think I over do it. I tell them too much about my broken heart, difficult life, struggles that don't involve them. I complain too much and it alienates them. Makes them realize that I am not, perhaps, the kind of influence they want on their lives. No one wants to talk to someone who complains all of the time, so they shut me off.

It's a gradual process - they start becoming a little more distant. They stop calling me. E-mails go unanswered and they can never be found on IM anymore when they used to IM me all of the time. When I call, they never have the time to talk. I soon realize that they no longer check in on me like they used to. Sure, they're always friendly when I do catch them. They assure me that everything is fine, but I know better. I can just feel that it isn't there - the connection is breaking. Just when you need them the most, they slowly slip away into the shadows. There are excuses made, but I know, in my heart, what is really happening.

Maybe I'm too needy. I don't feel like I'm just a taker, though. If I feel close to someone, I can be one of the most giving, generous, attentive friends you can imagine. I have a soft shoulder that can soak in gallons of tears, and am willing to listen until the cows come home.

Maybe I need to just keep those negative, downer things inside and not talk about them - pretend everything is ok. Maybe, then, these friends would stick around. But are they really friends, then? Aren't real friends supposed to be the ones that stick with you through thick and thin? The ones who are always there for you?

I try so hard to stay positive, but sometimes it just doesn't work. I've been feeling this downward spiral coming all morning. I took a Valium at lunch, hoping to "head it off at the pass" but it is still coming like a freight train. The person I would usually lean on, at this point, the one that I would rely upon to help me pull myself back up feels inaccessible. Unavailble. I feel alone.

There are other people that I feel I could turn to, but I fear that the exact same thing will happen with then again. I will take it to far, lean on them too hard, alienate them and force them to join the ever-growing crowd of those who are backing away slowly. I am afraid of getting too close, because the end will be too painful. Is it worth continuing to try? Risking the hurt? I'm beginning to think it's not.

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