m Celtic Cross Celtic Cross - Average Everyday Sane Psycho Supergoddess

March 23, 2005

Fast Food Marketing on LSD

With uncanny foresight, the downtown Burger King location here in town closed down just before the corporation's marketing department finally gave in to the clenches of a never-ending acid trip. How else can one explain their current campaign?

First, there was the subservient chicken (really, you have to just go there and try it to understand - or not). That was enough to make me scratch my head and wonder about their mental well-being.

Then came Ugoff - the ubersnotty fictitious fashion designer who supposedly designed their fancy pouch for their hot and cold salad goodies, he is part Sprockets, part Queer Eye, part Zoolander, part hamburger. Unfortunately, his website featuring models with designer pouches and videos has been taken down. *Pout*

But now...NOW, we have Hootie and the Blowfish singer Darius Rucker performing a gay, black Porter Waggoner impersonation while singing a jingle about a "crispy bacon cheddar ranch?"

Strange enough at first glance, look closer while you consider that advertising is about subliminal messages, and this transmits a death wish big enough to choke the chain's surviving stores. Rucker's lyrics were set to the tune of "the Big Rock Candy Mountain," written by Haywire MacClintock. That would have made a sane corporation cautious. Only a business seeking to corner the market for winos and panhandlers would want to associate with Haywire Mac's catchy second verse, where there's "a lake of gin, we can both jump in and the handouts grow on bushes." Then, you have the juicy "cowgirls" cavorting around in the background looking like the burgers, to them, are simply orgasmic.


See the ad HERE. Like I said - acid trip. I'm scared, wierded out and uncomfortably fascinated by it. It's like a horrible car accident that you can't stop looking at.

For that matter, the entire fast food industry resembles a paranoid schizophrenic in lithium withdrawal. While most fast food companies reacted to the nation's new "obesity consciousness" by denying their meat and fried-potato identities, Hardee's introduced a Monster Thickburger - a hefty 1420 calorie and 107 gram of fat behemoth. Alleged steroid slammer Mark McGuire participated in the ad campaign, credited for reversing a huge sales slump. Hardees can now fill the niche market for self-destructive men ages 12-40. If McDonald's tried this, they would be sued to grease trap hell.

Well, a surviving local BK is decidedly bipolar. They offer to substitute chili for fries on a dinner order, a $1 salad that consists of lettuce and croutons, a grilled shrimp salad (in a designer pouch) for $5 that looks much better than it tastes and a Hardee's sized "Hootie special" with cheesecake that allows you to virtually hear your arteries hardening as you chew.

Have any of you watched "Supersize Me"? If not, you should. Do it. If you didn't already have many reasons to not eat fast food, it will supply you with plenty. I'll be going home at lunch to eat the leftovers from last night's poached salmon and broccoli, thankyouverymuch.

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